Tag: self-care

Nothingness and Emptiness

After working, I’ve been lax in a lot of things. Mostly because the constant fatigue and pain I’m seemingly in keep me from focusing on doing things and keep me from actually doing them. But I keep trying. I’m slow to fix dinners, I’m slow to clean up messes which leads to frustration from my friend and roommate.

I’m even slower in taking care of myself.

I’m still waiting, most likely until April, for insurance to kick in so I can begin to get myself sorted out again. I’ve felt low, my hands shake more than they have in the last couple of years, and well I feel empty. I don’t get joy out of many things at this time. I love to cook, can’t bring myself to do it out of fear for cutting my fingers when my hands shake and because I don’t have the strength or will power to do it. I get some sleep, but it never seems like enough and then I add a little less to it so I can carve out time in the day or night to try to find myself.

But I’ll keep pressing on.  Brighter days have to be ahead, because after so long in the nothingness of my mind… I worry that I’m starting to lose sight of that. I have to find a way to change something in myself so that I don’t keep repeating this awful vicious cycle. I know doctors and medicine will help, I just have to make it long enough that I can see one to get moving forward again.

“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own souls. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”

-Carl Jung, Psychology and Alchemy

Drive

I had to drive up to my mom’s today, so I could be with her for a meeting tomorrow and take care of a few things for her. It’s not always good for my mental health to be around her, but I do try to appreciate the time I do get to spend with her as she ages. We’ve always had a rather rocky relationship, not helped by teenage angst, my dad dying when I was 19 and me taking over most of the things she should have been responsible for, and then me resenting that for the last 10+ years. So I know I can’t do everything, and I can’t even be here all the time for her. I feel guilty for that, but I have to live my own life too. I spent way too long letting her dictate what would happen that I have to struggle and fight to do it now.

The drive up here also put a few other things in perspective for me. Because it has been presented to me that I’m not as forthcoming with some of my friends when something is bothering or if there’s something going on. A lot of that is it’s a survival instinct for me. I wasn’t allowed to talk about how I felt or how I was coping with things growing up so I learned to hide it away to deal with it later. That is not a healthy way of dealing with things. So I have to adjust and remember that I can rely on those closest to me when I am lost in my own head. They’ve proven that I can time and time again, I just get set in my ways.

I also got to play a bunch of music I hadn’t listened to in forever. It was refreshing to listen to some of the music I did in high school. And I’ll even say I laughed in the car when three very specific songs that a friend of mine and I have a love/hate relationship with came on one right after the other. The irony of those 3 songs playing back to back right now is just amazing. It reminded me that I’m not as alone as I think I am at times.

So now I sit here in Iowa, taking care of things before leaving again on Tuesday. I know I’ll be back here again, probably sooner rather than later, but that’s ok. I have people I can count on that will support me, no matter my mood, no matter how much I waiver on decisions, and they actually care about me for who I am. And for right now, that’s enough.

~T