Tag: past

End of the Year

We’re rapidly approaching the end of 2018, and preparing for the beginning of 2019. I’m ready for the new year to start. It’s a symbol of renewal and hope for me. 2018 hasn’t shaped up quite like I had envisioned. I haven’t found another job yet, I haven’t been able to get any kind of medical or mental health care, but all of that is okay. Next week is a completely new start. I’m still in Illinois, but working on plans to move further east. It may not be in 2019, or even 2020, but it’s something to work towards and plan for.

Despite how grim and hopeless I have felt about things the last couple of months, things are getting better. I’m more secure in where I’m living. I’m not afraid that I’m going to be kicked out at moments notice again. I have a very part-time job for most of January, I have another interview next week, and have many other applications out for work that I feel capable of doing. I’m making strides on working on myself. I’m trying not to be as negative about myself, I’m doing my best to accept that people who want to be around me want to do so because they see something I don’t. I am doing little things to help myself with my depression and my anxiety, I’m getting outside and moving around, I’m doing things that I truly enjoy doing. For instance, I baked bread and enjoyed it for the first time in 6 months, and I’m looking forward to doing it again in a couple of days. I am truly enjoying rediscovering some of the things I enjoyed in the past.

Once the new year starts, and I get back from taking care of some things with my mom, I’m intending to go to the gym and work out as well as work. I’m also hoping to get things started for my crafts again so that I can try to earn some money that way as well, and I want to post more about that and what I’m working on once I restart that endeavor. Hopefully, my insurance will come through one way or the other and I can get things going there too.

Ultimately, 2018, while it hasn’t been that great it was okay. I’ve survived another year, my divorce was finalized and I’ve lived in 3 different states. My health and mental health have taken a turn for the worse, but I’m still around and working on things the best I can, and that’s enough for me for now.

Even if 2019 doesn’t live up to my lofty expectations, I will survive and keep moving forward.

Happy New Year.

crazy-nana-585498-unsplash
Photo by Crazy nana on Unsplash

 

I Let My Anxiety Win

Today my anxiety won. I’ve already had to quit my job, I was so overwhelmed and anxious just going that my best friend and roommate offered to drive me/pick me up. After getting there, and being shown the 6 ways to get into the building and the 3 ways to get to the training room (because that’s something to push on people’s first day). Then being told we had 2 days to learn various banking regulations, and that we’d likely be training others in less than 3 weeks. I took one of the “tests” on one of the regulations 4 times.  I failed all the way around today. I feel horrible. I’ve wasted a lot of people’s time and money just to go for one day and discover I can’t do this.

The worst part is there was a time that something like this was right up my alley. I could have learned these regulations no problem and not had a second thought about it. But then things got a lot worse, my anxiety got worse- my separation and divorce didn’t help that process either. There hasn’t been a lot that has helped. But I know I can’t keep doing this or letting it happen.

I’ve already started applying for other jobs that I think would be a better fit, or at least I hope they are. Tomorrow’s a new day though. It’s a new start. A new chance to not let my anxiety win for the second day in a row.

Tonight I’m trying to show myself a little of the kindness I try to show others.

 

A little bit of everything

So a friend of mine pointed out I hadn’t written anything for a couple of days. And I haven’t. I haven’t been in a good enough place mentally to do it. Yesterday (the 9th) was a hard day for me. And today while better, I’m still in a pretty dark place. But I know getting the thoughts and ideas out of my head will do more good than me stewing, thinking and staring at a blank screen or playing a mindless video game to waste the time away.

The last year or so, I’ve spent too much time just wasting the time I have. Wasting it by playing games, wasting by not being true to myself, wasting it to my fears and anxieties. I’ve bounced around a lot, not had a steady healthcare (mental or otherwise) provider in well over a year at this point. I know it’s something I need. My depression is getting worse. My anxieties are even more crippling than they were before. But I try to hide it. Not because I’m afraid of others seeing it. I hide it so that I don’t have to deal with it.

Avoidance has always been my coping tool of choice. How did I deal with my grief? I avoided it until I couldn’t any longer. How do I deal with my anger and being hurt? I avoid it or find something physical to do to dispel it. Whether it’s moving around things that I really shouldn’t be or just overdoing it by going on a really long walk, I do something. In the past, I used to cut myself to deal with that anger and hurt, as well as a lot of other emotions. I won’t let myself do that anymore, and haven’t actively cut in over a year at this point. But the urge is there. The shame is there too.

I’m trying to lose weight and accept my body for what it is. There are scars hiding in my stretch marks. Those same scars are hiding in places a lot of people will never see. But I have to come to grips with each one of those lines and be at peace with them. Each mark was because of something going on in my life, things I no longer remember. But they were big enough at the time for me to leave some lasting effects on my body. And I can’t do anything now to take them away. And if at some point in my future, someone sees one and asks. I’ll be honest. I can’t hide and run away from my past.

What does the above have to do with my depression and anxiety? A lot of my anxieties stem from my past. I had a rocky childhood, my teenage years were not my own, and I ran instead of dealing with things just as I entered adulthood. But they have shaped me into who I am. Despite all the things I’ve dealt with I still try to be kind, caring, considerate, and helpful. I don’t always succeed. But I know deep down I’m not my mental illness. That it can be controlled, and I can do more good that way than I can just floating along like I am now. So once I get more comfortable in my new job (in 2 or 3 weeks) I’m going to find a doctor to help with the physical issues I have. I’m going to find a therapist so I can get on the right path of getting my mental health sorted out. I don’t think my original diagnoses are all I have any longer. But at the time I received them I hid so much of what was going on.

No longer.

I need the help to become who I want to be.

Drive

I had to drive up to my mom’s today, so I could be with her for a meeting tomorrow and take care of a few things for her. It’s not always good for my mental health to be around her, but I do try to appreciate the time I do get to spend with her as she ages. We’ve always had a rather rocky relationship, not helped by teenage angst, my dad dying when I was 19 and me taking over most of the things she should have been responsible for, and then me resenting that for the last 10+ years. So I know I can’t do everything, and I can’t even be here all the time for her. I feel guilty for that, but I have to live my own life too. I spent way too long letting her dictate what would happen that I have to struggle and fight to do it now.

The drive up here also put a few other things in perspective for me. Because it has been presented to me that I’m not as forthcoming with some of my friends when something is bothering or if there’s something going on. A lot of that is it’s a survival instinct for me. I wasn’t allowed to talk about how I felt or how I was coping with things growing up so I learned to hide it away to deal with it later. That is not a healthy way of dealing with things. So I have to adjust and remember that I can rely on those closest to me when I am lost in my own head. They’ve proven that I can time and time again, I just get set in my ways.

I also got to play a bunch of music I hadn’t listened to in forever. It was refreshing to listen to some of the music I did in high school. And I’ll even say I laughed in the car when three very specific songs that a friend of mine and I have a love/hate relationship with came on one right after the other. The irony of those 3 songs playing back to back right now is just amazing. It reminded me that I’m not as alone as I think I am at times.

So now I sit here in Iowa, taking care of things before leaving again on Tuesday. I know I’ll be back here again, probably sooner rather than later, but that’s ok. I have people I can count on that will support me, no matter my mood, no matter how much I waiver on decisions, and they actually care about me for who I am. And for right now, that’s enough.

~T

Day 4- Keeping Myself Accountable

Why am I doing things with a day count in them? It’s to help hold myself accountable. I want to see a streak of numbers that don’t have too many gaps or spaces. The purpose of my blog is it’s a place for me to work through my thoughts and feelings and document what I’m feeling, doing or seeing. If I help others along the way, that’s even better but it is not what I’m out for. It’s not my greater reason for this. I just want to be able to not gaslight myself or let others gaslight me about the things I am trying to experience for myself.

I have a hard time staying accountable to myself. I want to lose weight- but can’t keep track of calories or other things more than a few days before I give up. I like to keep a physical journal and calendar- I write important dates down but forget to write the small things down I’d like to remember. I want to be able to celebrate some of the smaller milestones I’ve ignored in the past.

Like today for instance- I’ve eaten like garbage, had more caffeine than I’ve had in weeks and just kind of lazed around. But I can also see the things I have done today- I helped a friend with a few things and am able to return home tomorrow with a bit more confidence that they aren’t going to get too bad too quickly again. I also found a little more resolve for just taking one of the jobs I’ve applied for instead of waiting things out for something better. I can always look for better- but I need something to pay the bills now. I have also tried to promise myself that I would try to stop eating like garbage once I get back home and not fall back into it if I have to come back to Illinois. I also have decided I need to force myself into some better sleep habits. I can’t always stay up half the night and be awake at too early o’clock in the morning. Lots of changes I want to make, the hard part is sticking to them.

So I hope to continue the day # format for a while- but if I quit, I know it’s not the end of the world either. As long as I get my thoughts and memories down- that’s the more important thing.

~T

Life

Our lives take unexpected turns.

Sometimes we have control of the wheel, other times we’re just the passenger.  I have let others be in control often enough that I wasn’t sure where I was going, what my purpose is, or even if I had a future of any kind.

So instead of leaving things unknown or up to fate or God, I am trying to make the decisions for myself. What is in my best interest? What is it I’m really looking to gain out of life? Do I want a family? Am I content with my career choices? Can I find love again?

All I know is that I don’t have any solid answers right now. But I’m working towards finding them. Finding what I want. Who I am, beneath all the layers of my past. Who I want to be in the future.

Better times are coming. Better things are coming. Self-discovery is a long, hard process but it’s something I need to do after 33 years of living for others. So I’m going to do my best to document it while I try to live my best life. I’m sure there’s going to be some pain and hurt along the way, but no journey is complete without it.

So as we approach the middle of October, I start this journey again. With the intentions of finding the answers I seek, with the help of the people who love and support me.

~T