Tag: pain

Nothingness and Emptiness

After working, I’ve been lax in a lot of things. Mostly because the constant fatigue and pain I’m seemingly in keep me from focusing on doing things and keep me from actually doing them. But I keep trying. I’m slow to fix dinners, I’m slow to clean up messes which leads to frustration from my friend and roommate.

I’m even slower in taking care of myself.

I’m still waiting, most likely until April, for insurance to kick in so I can begin to get myself sorted out again. I’ve felt low, my hands shake more than they have in the last couple of years, and well I feel empty. I don’t get joy out of many things at this time. I love to cook, can’t bring myself to do it out of fear for cutting my fingers when my hands shake and because I don’t have the strength or will power to do it. I get some sleep, but it never seems like enough and then I add a little less to it so I can carve out time in the day or night to try to find myself.

But I’ll keep pressing on.  Brighter days have to be ahead, because after so long in the nothingness of my mind… I worry that I’m starting to lose sight of that. I have to find a way to change something in myself so that I don’t keep repeating this awful vicious cycle. I know doctors and medicine will help, I just have to make it long enough that I can see one to get moving forward again.

“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own souls. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”

-Carl Jung, Psychology and Alchemy

Things Pile Up

My to-do lists keep on growing. I’m failing at getting everything done, but I get some of the important things done, like take medicine, cook, get things ready for when my work assignment starts. But the smaller ones, things like finding a doctor (who doesn’t charge an arm and a leg while I wait for insurance to start), find things to help take the physical pain I feel in every joint of my body away, and just living, get tossed to the wayside.

By the time I get done doing the important things, I don’t have the energy to do the little things. I know some of those little things don’t seem small. Most people would be panicking not to have a doctor or have all the medications they need to keep living. But I’ve always taken life one day, one problem at a time.

I don’t have a magical answer, no shiny fantastic way to say everything will turn out perfect and just the way you wanted… I can’t say that because I know it’s not realistic. I also know living in a downward spiral constantly isn’t realistic either. Eventually, you hit rock bottom. I’ve hit what I thought was my rock bottom many times… Today though? I honestly feel the lowest I’ve felt in a long time. 90ish days from now, when meds are adjusted appropriately I’ll be fine and on the upswing. Until then? I’m just the selfish bitch who just wishes people would cut me a little slack while my emotions and feelings play hacky-sack with my brain, while the nerve-endings in most of my body feel like they’re on fire.

Tomorrow’s a new day, maybe the pain won’t be so bad and the mental fatigue won’t be so bad either. Even if it is, I have a to-do list to accomplish things off of, regardless of how I feel.

When The Pain Becomes Too Much

What do you do when the physical or mental pain you feel becomes too much to handle? Do you cry it out, yell, or scream? Or do you get nervously quiet, just silently watching and waiting?

I know I tend to get very quiet, and very sullen when my physical pain (that a lot of doctors just dismiss) gets high. I know the pain scale from 1-10 is ridiculous. My 5 could be someone else’s 8, or vice-versa. And no matter what, even if there’s no request for pain meds, the first thing they’re trying is the ibuprofen or acetaminophen that I’ve already been taking religiously for days trying to stamp the pain out.

My depression makes my pain worse at times. It’s a physical symptom for a mental problem. I had a therapist that made sure to remind me that the physical symptoms I have shouldn’t be ignored just because I’m trying to take care of things with her. I still needed to go to the doctor (and be ignored) and tell them what was going on and see if there were solutions to make it easier to deal with. Their solutions were all the things I had already been trying for years. So years later, I’m still in the same predicament, with even worse mental health than I had then.

Where does that leave me for now? In a lot of pain, that I can’t get under control. My friend/roommate doesn’t always see that I’m in pain when I get a random hug from them or when I have to go up and down the flight of stairs to take care of things in the basement. No one really sees the tears I cry at night, waiting for sleep to take over so I can ignore pain at least for a few minutes. No one also sees the tears I cry when I wake up, realizing my body is still not cooperating and I have no choice but get up and move. I’m hoping my new insurance will kick in soon, and that I’ll be able to do something…anything to get at least a little of this taken care of. To get my own quality of life to a better state than it is in now.

That little shred of hope is what I cling to tonight, as I sit at my computer crying silently from the pain.

On the edge

I feel like I’m about to go back into another mental crisis. I get this way any time I spend any length of time around my mom, and it’s going to be a little longer still before I leave. My anxiety ramps up, she makes me worried about things that I have no business being worried about. My depression rears it’s head, making me more withdrawn, more down and just not wanting to do anything that I should or need to be doing.

Then on top of this, she makes lists of things I’m supposed to do for her. And not basic everyday things, because I’m already doing those, but things like getting every piece of bedding in the entire place washed, clean cupboards out and find somewhere to get rid of things at, make extra food to freeze for when I do finally get to leave- with the promise of if I don’t then she just doesn’t know if or what she’ll actually eat then. This is why I hate the guilt I feel, and the resentment I feel towards her. These are perfectly normal things for an elderly parent to ask of their child…. except for the fact that she’s not that elderly, or that sickly at this point… and it’s just she wants me to go back to taking care of her and everything else for her like I have so many other times.

My mental health will not let me do that. I am finally at a point in my life where I have to put myself and my well-being first. And I’m trying. She just doesn’t help or let me do the things I should be doing as a damn 30something-year-old adult. If I’m in town, she gets upset and hurt if I go spend time with the couple of friends I have around still, or if I go do something by myself that has no benefit for her.

I know me ranting all of this makes me sound like a selfish, petulant child, but it’s not my job to take care of her like this. Yes, she’s my mother. But she abused me mentally, verbally, and physically growing up. She still tries to get into my head and is verbally abusive still, even though I have taken steps to protect myself. I just have to wait this out, then I can go back to just messaging and occasional phone calls with trips here every once in a while instead of so often. I need that peace and serenity back in my life.

At least the next couple of days I get to do some Christmas decorating for the building she lives in. That’s something I like to do and can tune others out while I do it.

Down but not quite out

So today was one of those days. A day where I’ve wanted nothing more than to talk to others, and just be around people…but didn’t have the mental strength to do it. I went to reach out to a couple of different friends, but one was busy and the other was dealing with their own issues. I mean I did get out to get something from the gas station, but it’s not the same as having someone to go back and forth with even for just a few minutes. But I essentially have suffered in silence for the last few days.

Tomorrow I’m supposed to head to Iowa, to my moms. At this point, I don’t care if I go or not. I’m just that down today. Today I feel like I deserve to be completely alone for the foreseeable future. Because I’m not worth it to talk to and am just generally unfit to be around others right now. And I’ve accepted that for now. Tomorrow it could be different but for right now, I only feel disinterest.

This time of year, you’re supposed to reflect on things you’re thankful for. I’m thankful I’m still alive, and that I have my friends and the little bit of family I do have. But otherwise, I don’t have much else. On the other end of things, I’m working on a short story and it might get posted here, it really depends on how writing it goes.

So it’ll be a few days before I post again, and maybe I’ll be in better spirits then. I hope those who are in the U.S. have a  Happy Thanksgiving, and everyone else has a good rest of the week.

Productivity

So I wasn’t as productive as I’d have liked today. But I started early and ended early. I got half of one large room painted, going to do the other half tomorrow and maybe start on the hallway. It really depends on when I get up, and how much pain I’m in again.

When my anxiety and depression flare up so does my pain. It’s why I wasn’t as productive. Sadly there’s not a whole lot that helps this kind of pain, that I have access to right now. Instead, I just do things in bursts and take a lot of breaks to let the flare-ups go down. Doctors haven’t believed me in the past that I’ve had issues like this, and I’m hesitant to bring it up to any new doctors because well they tend not to believe me.

It’s also the second full day I’ve been by myself. I can stay it’s starting to get to me, but I’ll be okay. I’ve got things to do and have a plan to leave to go to Iowa early in the week instead of waiting until closer to Thanksgiving.

I have to keep my head up and keep soldiering on.

Lack of Sleep

I haven’t had a lot of sleep the last couple of days. Not that it’s anything unusual. I do my best to try and get at least 5-6 hours but it’s often broken and leaves me tired and fatigued more than what my other health issues already do. 

Which brings me to my second issue. I’ve talked to my mom last night and today some. She’s trying to guilt me into going earlier there, regardless of what I want or need to do around here. On top of that, I’m supposed to care and actively ask about her problems and issues. I just get told to suck up my anxiety and problems and deal with whatever the issue is. Which is something I try to do. But my anxiety is getting more invasive and overwhelming. My depression is the same. I can do things to hold it at bay, but after a while, things start getting worse.

Yes, there’s a medication I’m supposed to be on for it. I hate how it makes me feel, or better yet the lack of things I feel. I feel nothing when I take it consistently. I feel no happiness, no sadness, no anger, no frustration, no good no bad. I just exist, and at its core, that seems like a fantastic thing. However, that’s what has led me to cut in the past. I have made great strides in not cutting, and haven’t in over a year. But there are times I have that urge still. 

Anyways, today was not as productive as I would have liked. But at least I’ve ate, napped a little and done a little organizing. Considering the way I’m feeling all the way around today, I still count it as a mostly successful day. Tomorrow I’m hoping to paint some walls and hopefully will get some better sleep tonight. 

A little bit of everything

So a friend of mine pointed out I hadn’t written anything for a couple of days. And I haven’t. I haven’t been in a good enough place mentally to do it. Yesterday (the 9th) was a hard day for me. And today while better, I’m still in a pretty dark place. But I know getting the thoughts and ideas out of my head will do more good than me stewing, thinking and staring at a blank screen or playing a mindless video game to waste the time away.

The last year or so, I’ve spent too much time just wasting the time I have. Wasting it by playing games, wasting by not being true to myself, wasting it to my fears and anxieties. I’ve bounced around a lot, not had a steady healthcare (mental or otherwise) provider in well over a year at this point. I know it’s something I need. My depression is getting worse. My anxieties are even more crippling than they were before. But I try to hide it. Not because I’m afraid of others seeing it. I hide it so that I don’t have to deal with it.

Avoidance has always been my coping tool of choice. How did I deal with my grief? I avoided it until I couldn’t any longer. How do I deal with my anger and being hurt? I avoid it or find something physical to do to dispel it. Whether it’s moving around things that I really shouldn’t be or just overdoing it by going on a really long walk, I do something. In the past, I used to cut myself to deal with that anger and hurt, as well as a lot of other emotions. I won’t let myself do that anymore, and haven’t actively cut in over a year at this point. But the urge is there. The shame is there too.

I’m trying to lose weight and accept my body for what it is. There are scars hiding in my stretch marks. Those same scars are hiding in places a lot of people will never see. But I have to come to grips with each one of those lines and be at peace with them. Each mark was because of something going on in my life, things I no longer remember. But they were big enough at the time for me to leave some lasting effects on my body. And I can’t do anything now to take them away. And if at some point in my future, someone sees one and asks. I’ll be honest. I can’t hide and run away from my past.

What does the above have to do with my depression and anxiety? A lot of my anxieties stem from my past. I had a rocky childhood, my teenage years were not my own, and I ran instead of dealing with things just as I entered adulthood. But they have shaped me into who I am. Despite all the things I’ve dealt with I still try to be kind, caring, considerate, and helpful. I don’t always succeed. But I know deep down I’m not my mental illness. That it can be controlled, and I can do more good that way than I can just floating along like I am now. So once I get more comfortable in my new job (in 2 or 3 weeks) I’m going to find a doctor to help with the physical issues I have. I’m going to find a therapist so I can get on the right path of getting my mental health sorted out. I don’t think my original diagnoses are all I have any longer. But at the time I received them I hid so much of what was going on.

No longer.

I need the help to become who I want to be.

Being Selfish

Is it always wrong to be selfish? The more giving that someone is of themselves the less likely they are to feel it’s ok to be selfish in some aspects. I know I fall squarely into this mindset. I don’t believe that I should have any of the good things I do in my life because I didn’t do enough to earn them. It’s that way with relationships for me too.

I firmly believe that no one person is going to 100% fulfill all of your needs, wants and desires. It’s just statistically impossible for me. At that same time, how much do we compromise for the people we love? Do you compromise who you are deep down, or do you compromise the feelings you have for someone? Do I sacrifice who I am deep down, and sacrifice my love for another? Or do I let it all play out by putting all of the pieces on the board and see where things go? Which could lead to everything ending and I then miss out all the way around. There are so many possibilities and variables that I don’t even want to or have the capacity to think of them all.

In the end, I end up losing. I lost someone I cared deeply about. Because I was honest about my feelings for the first time in a while. I can’t take back the loss of trust caused, but at the same time, I have to be true to myself. I’ll get back up after this knockdown, a little more bruised, but with some more perspective on things. Hopefully, there is someone out there who can love me-not just the idea in their head of me, but the person I am- the kindhearted, caring, loving person that has some pretty damn big flaws.

But until then, I just keep fighting for the good things and doing my best to be kind in spite of it all.

~T

Life

Our lives take unexpected turns.

Sometimes we have control of the wheel, other times we’re just the passenger.  I have let others be in control often enough that I wasn’t sure where I was going, what my purpose is, or even if I had a future of any kind.

So instead of leaving things unknown or up to fate or God, I am trying to make the decisions for myself. What is in my best interest? What is it I’m really looking to gain out of life? Do I want a family? Am I content with my career choices? Can I find love again?

All I know is that I don’t have any solid answers right now. But I’m working towards finding them. Finding what I want. Who I am, beneath all the layers of my past. Who I want to be in the future.

Better times are coming. Better things are coming. Self-discovery is a long, hard process but it’s something I need to do after 33 years of living for others. So I’m going to do my best to document it while I try to live my best life. I’m sure there’s going to be some pain and hurt along the way, but no journey is complete without it.

So as we approach the middle of October, I start this journey again. With the intentions of finding the answers I seek, with the help of the people who love and support me.

~T