Tag: love

Thanksgiving

As I sit here with my mom, a turkey cooking in the oven, and all the sides ready to go in the oven soon, I’m left to reflect. Reflect on the last few years, reflect on times spent with family and friends and left to reflect on how my attitude and issues have weighed on myself and others. Yes, despite the almost constant state of depression and anxiety I’ve been in recently, there are still things to be thankful for.

I’m thankful for my friends. The very few of them that I do have and can count on. They bring me happiness, keep me grounded and let me know that it’s okay to be down, as long as we pick ourselves back up. There have been some ups and downs with all of them this last year, most significantly my best friend. I’m thankful for his patience, his kindness, and that we’ve both come out of a pretty dark place with a better understanding of each other and our friendship than we’ve had in a while.

My family, while mostly small and not people I put myself around frequently, I know there are some of them I can count on. When my mom got sick a couple of months ago, there were a few who reached out and few who helped. I’m grateful that they could when I could not get away to help.

There are so many other small things that I’m thankful for- rainy days, snow, the comfort of being in a warm house, not starving and mostly the ability to get my health- both mental and physical, back to some semblance of normal. I may never be what I once was, but I can get healthy, take care of the issues I have, and nurture the strength I have inside.

I hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving and start to the holiday season.

I’ve spent the last 24 or so hours in a funk. Part of me knows it’s because I’m sad that things didn’t work out the way I would have liked. Another part of me is angry and upset at the fact this person said they wanted me to be me then made me feel bad for it. I wish I had wise words today- or really any words. But I have none. I’ve been grumpy, snapping at my amazing friend who’s dealing with their own issues. I haven’t been there for them today and that hurts too. Because it’s not who I am to not be there for other people. I also know that my friend is upset because I still had some people messaging from something I’ve posted elsewhere, and I wish like hell they could find some others to talk to as well.

But I can honestly say he’s my person. He understands and tries to lift me up even when I don’t want it. He doesn’t push if I get quiet. He accepts me for me. As flawed as I am, and will continue to be. But he knows I needed to take today to get perspective. So today was my one day. My one day of feeling off. My one day of allowing to feel the self-pity and just general heartbrokenness. Tomorrow is new. A new start, a new chance, a new attempt.

I can’t let my own self-doubt get the better of me.

~T

Being Selfish

Is it always wrong to be selfish? The more giving that someone is of themselves the less likely they are to feel it’s ok to be selfish in some aspects. I know I fall squarely into this mindset. I don’t believe that I should have any of the good things I do in my life because I didn’t do enough to earn them. It’s that way with relationships for me too.

I firmly believe that no one person is going to 100% fulfill all of your needs, wants and desires. It’s just statistically impossible for me. At that same time, how much do we compromise for the people we love? Do you compromise who you are deep down, or do you compromise the feelings you have for someone? Do I sacrifice who I am deep down, and sacrifice my love for another? Or do I let it all play out by putting all of the pieces on the board and see where things go? Which could lead to everything ending and I then miss out all the way around. There are so many possibilities and variables that I don’t even want to or have the capacity to think of them all.

In the end, I end up losing. I lost someone I cared deeply about. Because I was honest about my feelings for the first time in a while. I can’t take back the loss of trust caused, but at the same time, I have to be true to myself. I’ll get back up after this knockdown, a little more bruised, but with some more perspective on things. Hopefully, there is someone out there who can love me-not just the idea in their head of me, but the person I am- the kindhearted, caring, loving person that has some pretty damn big flaws.

But until then, I just keep fighting for the good things and doing my best to be kind in spite of it all.

~T

Upheaval

For the 3rd time in 1 month, I’ve packed and moved… It’s probably not my smartest of decisions but I feel it’s the right one. I’m where I feel I am needed the most. I’m sure there are some out there who would disagree, and tell me this was a dumb decision or that they’ll tell me ‘I told you so’ if it blows up. But here’s the thing. I don’t think it will blow up this time. There’s been a lot of heart-to-hearts about why I’m here and what it means that I am even after the things that were said about me to someone else. I’m ultimately here because I am too kind of a person. I give too many chances, but when I’m at the end of my capabilities, I will walk away. I was ready to walk away. The person I’m here helping saw that. Knew that I only can do so much and that they were out to just hurt me because they had been hurt too.

Only time will tell if this was a good or bad move. I’m hoping good. Because it is my best friend. The person who helped put my pieces back together right after my separation and ultimate divorce from my ex-husband. The person is a part of my life because I value all of the good I have seen of them, and all of the good I know they’re capable of. At a time when I was at my lowest, and some medical issues came up, they took care of me. They made sure my bills were paid- not wanting anything but an eventual payback but there was no rigid timeline. This is my time that I can pay them back. Between helping with bills, cooking, making sure that they are doing the things they need to I can start to pay back what I feel they are owed.

Part of the decision to move again was that my mom was doing better without me there than she was with me there. She’s moving around better, is eating more, has more energy and is just overall in better spirits. While she doesn’t fully understand why I’m doing what I’m doing, she supports me in it (which is something she doesn’t do often.) So I plan to go back for her appointments as I can, the ones I can’t I plan to call the offices and check what is going on. So there can’t be any more miscommunication, and so that the important medical information isn’t kept from me.

Will my time in Decatur be permanent? Probably not. I’m sure that I want to move away from here, and find a place that is a good fit for me, my family (what’s here now and what is still in the future) and live that happily ever after we all dream of. I know nothing is that easy, and there will be a lot of work, stress, and tears. But it will be worth it.

We all deserve good things. We just have to be willing to put the work in for them.

~T

Life

Our lives take unexpected turns.

Sometimes we have control of the wheel, other times we’re just the passenger.  I have let others be in control often enough that I wasn’t sure where I was going, what my purpose is, or even if I had a future of any kind.

So instead of leaving things unknown or up to fate or God, I am trying to make the decisions for myself. What is in my best interest? What is it I’m really looking to gain out of life? Do I want a family? Am I content with my career choices? Can I find love again?

All I know is that I don’t have any solid answers right now. But I’m working towards finding them. Finding what I want. Who I am, beneath all the layers of my past. Who I want to be in the future.

Better times are coming. Better things are coming. Self-discovery is a long, hard process but it’s something I need to do after 33 years of living for others. So I’m going to do my best to document it while I try to live my best life. I’m sure there’s going to be some pain and hurt along the way, but no journey is complete without it.

So as we approach the middle of October, I start this journey again. With the intentions of finding the answers I seek, with the help of the people who love and support me.

~T