Tag: Lists

Things Pile Up

My to-do lists keep on growing. I’m failing at getting everything done, but I get some of the important things done, like take medicine, cook, get things ready for when my work assignment starts. But the smaller ones, things like finding a doctor (who doesn’t charge an arm and a leg while I wait for insurance to start), find things to help take the physical pain I feel in every joint of my body away, and just living, get tossed to the wayside.

By the time I get done doing the important things, I don’t have the energy to do the little things. I know some of those little things don’t seem small. Most people would be panicking not to have a doctor or have all the medications they need to keep living. But I’ve always taken life one day, one problem at a time.

I don’t have a magical answer, no shiny fantastic way to say everything will turn out perfect and just the way you wanted… I can’t say that because I know it’s not realistic. I also know living in a downward spiral constantly isn’t realistic either. Eventually, you hit rock bottom. I’ve hit what I thought was my rock bottom many times… Today though? I honestly feel the lowest I’ve felt in a long time. 90ish days from now, when meds are adjusted appropriately I’ll be fine and on the upswing. Until then? I’m just the selfish bitch who just wishes people would cut me a little slack while my emotions and feelings play hacky-sack with my brain, while the nerve-endings in most of my body feel like they’re on fire.

Tomorrow’s a new day, maybe the pain won’t be so bad and the mental fatigue won’t be so bad either. Even if it is, I have a to-do list to accomplish things off of, regardless of how I feel.

Lists and Calendars

I try my best to stay organized. I write things down in my notebook, add them to my various calendars (both online and physical ones), I almost obsessively try to keep track of everything going on in my life. I write little blurbs about how I felt that day, how my mood and how my depression was, as well as just keep a journal to sort out feelings. I always do pretty well about this at the beginning of the year. I carry my bullet journal and my planner around with me almost everywhere, I have my phone if I don’t have either of those.

But still, by the time Late March/Early April comes around, I almost always abandon it. I think a lot of that has to do with how I feel in the Springtime as well as still grieving and dealing with my own emotions. That time of year is when my life has always seemed to turn upside down. This year though, I’m sticking through it. No matter what, no matter how I feel, I have to keep moving forward. This year will be different.

It’s already different in a few different ways, I’m coping with my mental illnesses. I’m trying to do more than just survive. I know my limitations and I’m not as afraid to ask for help as I once was. And sometimes all it takes is that little shift of perspective. From being so focused on what is wrong, to seeing that I can still do things it just takes me a little longer with some modifications but it still gets done.

There’s still a long way for me to go this year in terms of a lot of things. At 10 days in though, I’m more positive than I have been in so long. Things are looking up, I just can’t let myself get bogged down in the small things that go wrong, because the slightly larger thing is just around the corner.