Tag: life

Thinking Instead of Doing

I’ve spent weeks trying to figure out what to write, when to write it and just what kinds of things I wanted to say now and in the future. I thought so much that I talked myself out of all of it.

At first, I was going to write about my amazement that I was able to get seedlings started for a garden. If even a fraction of the starters survive, there’s going to be so many tomatoes, peppers and spaghetti squash that I’m not going to have any ideas what to do with them. We also want to plant onions, radishes, some lettuces and do what we can to eventually grow some indoors so that we can have fresh produce year round. That’s the end goal anyway.

Once I abandoned that plan, I thought some more about what kinds of things I wanted to write about. I drew a blank. My friend has actively pointed out almost daily that I haven’t written. He uses my writing as a better insight into my mind and where I’m at since I don’t express myself to others in any real way. I still can’t hold a job, which is distressing. I can’t seem to get into doctors until my insurance mess clears up, and while I’m on an upswing with my moods- it doesn’t take much to actually get me down. But I’ve been able to pull myself back out of it quicker. I know a lot of the things I’m taking issue with are on me, and say more about me than it does others. I can live with that, even if it means I get told I’m too sensitive and I should know by now that someone is joking.

I wanted to write about some of the things I’m trying to do to express myself more, whether its crafts or speaking out about things I want to do or try. But most of the time those things fall flat before I start them, or fall on deaf ears.

There are so many more things I wanted to write about, but then I couldn’t. I couldn’t find the words or when I did find the words they were haphazard and callous, or angry and bitter, or worst yet, apathetic. I didn’t care if I wrote, I didn’t even sign in for the better part of a month. For something that I wanted to do, I couldn’t make myself do it. That’s when I knew I had to take a step back, reevaluate my perspectives and expectations.

So I say again I’m going to try to do better, but not stress myself out or work myself up about if I write. I want to find more ways to live in the moment instead, even if it means not writing down what happened when. I want to post some of my cooking trials, and some of my sewing- if and when I get around to doing them some more. At least Spring is here, and there’s a sense of renewal all around. I’ll take that in stride and know there’s something else new around the corner to explore.

Wanting to Walk Away

I had to go to Urgent Care last week, where their solution was to charge me $200, for a 2-minute consultation with a doctor telling me my symptoms were just a little bit of anxiety (which I was upfront about on the questionnaire anyways) and to take this pill. Oh and have a note for the next day for work as well. The pill is a damn sedative. I can’t function with it, so I can’t take it. The doctor also recommended I go to one of the local Mental Health clinics, that caters to those with “my kinds of problems” to get help. Except there’s actually a problem with that. They’re open during the hours I work. So because I’m still trying to work so I can at least look like a productive member of society I can’t get any kind of help. Because by the time my days off come around, it’s the end of the week and there’s generally not anything available.

On top of those fun issues, it feels like I’ve had a couple of cysts on my ovaries burst. There’s nothing they could do for it even if I were to have gone to a doctor but it’s still pretty painful to deal with on its own. That also doesn’t count in the light-sensitive migraine I’ve had for I don’t know how many days, but I’ve only said something about the last two. To be honest that’s the worst part of all of it. Because I’ve been getting more migraines it means I will ultimately have to change my birth control (aka the one medicine that I’m on that I willingly continue to get because I know my life without it is short and even more painful than it already is.) I’m not looking forward to any of it, but at the same time, something has to give at some point soon.

I want to be positive. I want to get back into baking, cooking, sewing, and coding and just not being a miserable pile of flesh… I’ve come up with recipes I want to try to perfect, I want to have that joy of just creating. But I can’t do that if I work my 40+ hours, take care of the basic things that need to be done and actually do my share of things around the house.

Hence, why sometimes when things get to be too much, I just want to walk away from everything. Leave my life, my friends, my family, my history and my problems, and just ignore it all. I know it’s not a smart choice, but on nights like tonight, it feels like the only one. But instead of doing that, I’ll go take some more medicine that doesn’t help a lot, try to sleep and get up and fight my way through the pain no matter what tomorrow. Because I have to suck it up and deal with it, regardless of how I actually feel.

Here’s hoping sleep comes quickly, and the pain fades just a little.

 

“Just because
you feel lost
doesn’t mean
that you are.
Sometimes you
just have to relax,
breathe deep,
and trust the path
you’re on.”
― Lalah Delia

Lists and Calendars

I try my best to stay organized. I write things down in my notebook, add them to my various calendars (both online and physical ones), I almost obsessively try to keep track of everything going on in my life. I write little blurbs about how I felt that day, how my mood and how my depression was, as well as just keep a journal to sort out feelings. I always do pretty well about this at the beginning of the year. I carry my bullet journal and my planner around with me almost everywhere, I have my phone if I don’t have either of those.

But still, by the time Late March/Early April comes around, I almost always abandon it. I think a lot of that has to do with how I feel in the Springtime as well as still grieving and dealing with my own emotions. That time of year is when my life has always seemed to turn upside down. This year though, I’m sticking through it. No matter what, no matter how I feel, I have to keep moving forward. This year will be different.

It’s already different in a few different ways, I’m coping with my mental illnesses. I’m trying to do more than just survive. I know my limitations and I’m not as afraid to ask for help as I once was. And sometimes all it takes is that little shift of perspective. From being so focused on what is wrong, to seeing that I can still do things it just takes me a little longer with some modifications but it still gets done.

There’s still a long way for me to go this year in terms of a lot of things. At 10 days in though, I’m more positive than I have been in so long. Things are looking up, I just can’t let myself get bogged down in the small things that go wrong, because the slightly larger thing is just around the corner.

 

End of the Year

We’re rapidly approaching the end of 2018, and preparing for the beginning of 2019. I’m ready for the new year to start. It’s a symbol of renewal and hope for me. 2018 hasn’t shaped up quite like I had envisioned. I haven’t found another job yet, I haven’t been able to get any kind of medical or mental health care, but all of that is okay. Next week is a completely new start. I’m still in Illinois, but working on plans to move further east. It may not be in 2019, or even 2020, but it’s something to work towards and plan for.

Despite how grim and hopeless I have felt about things the last couple of months, things are getting better. I’m more secure in where I’m living. I’m not afraid that I’m going to be kicked out at moments notice again. I have a very part-time job for most of January, I have another interview next week, and have many other applications out for work that I feel capable of doing. I’m making strides on working on myself. I’m trying not to be as negative about myself, I’m doing my best to accept that people who want to be around me want to do so because they see something I don’t. I am doing little things to help myself with my depression and my anxiety, I’m getting outside and moving around, I’m doing things that I truly enjoy doing. For instance, I baked bread and enjoyed it for the first time in 6 months, and I’m looking forward to doing it again in a couple of days. I am truly enjoying rediscovering some of the things I enjoyed in the past.

Once the new year starts, and I get back from taking care of some things with my mom, I’m intending to go to the gym and work out as well as work. I’m also hoping to get things started for my crafts again so that I can try to earn some money that way as well, and I want to post more about that and what I’m working on once I restart that endeavor. Hopefully, my insurance will come through one way or the other and I can get things going there too.

Ultimately, 2018, while it hasn’t been that great it was okay. I’ve survived another year, my divorce was finalized and I’ve lived in 3 different states. My health and mental health have taken a turn for the worse, but I’m still around and working on things the best I can, and that’s enough for me for now.

Even if 2019 doesn’t live up to my lofty expectations, I will survive and keep moving forward.

Happy New Year.

crazy-nana-585498-unsplash
Photo by Crazy nana on Unsplash

 

It’s Been A Few Days…

So it’s been about 2 weeks since I’ve actually sat down to write or really reflect on a lot of things. I’m struggling mentally and physically. Mentally my depression and anxiety are at the worst they’ve been in quite a long time, and it doesn’t help that any work I keep trying to get either falls through or just isn’t worth the expense of me doing it. Physically, I’m a wreck. I’m in pain all of the time, I’m fatigued and I have joint pain when there’s no reason for me to.

All of it boils down to, yeah I’m alive but it’s a struggle to continue. I continue to try to find positives, sometimes I do other times I find something I think might be positive for others to just shoot it down. But I try and that’s what counts. So for the next few days, I’m going to keep trying to find the positives and keep moving forward. And hopefully, it’ll be enough for me to begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

On the edge

I feel like I’m about to go back into another mental crisis. I get this way any time I spend any length of time around my mom, and it’s going to be a little longer still before I leave. My anxiety ramps up, she makes me worried about things that I have no business being worried about. My depression rears it’s head, making me more withdrawn, more down and just not wanting to do anything that I should or need to be doing.

Then on top of this, she makes lists of things I’m supposed to do for her. And not basic everyday things, because I’m already doing those, but things like getting every piece of bedding in the entire place washed, clean cupboards out and find somewhere to get rid of things at, make extra food to freeze for when I do finally get to leave- with the promise of if I don’t then she just doesn’t know if or what she’ll actually eat then. This is why I hate the guilt I feel, and the resentment I feel towards her. These are perfectly normal things for an elderly parent to ask of their child…. except for the fact that she’s not that elderly, or that sickly at this point… and it’s just she wants me to go back to taking care of her and everything else for her like I have so many other times.

My mental health will not let me do that. I am finally at a point in my life where I have to put myself and my well-being first. And I’m trying. She just doesn’t help or let me do the things I should be doing as a damn 30something-year-old adult. If I’m in town, she gets upset and hurt if I go spend time with the couple of friends I have around still, or if I go do something by myself that has no benefit for her.

I know me ranting all of this makes me sound like a selfish, petulant child, but it’s not my job to take care of her like this. Yes, she’s my mother. But she abused me mentally, verbally, and physically growing up. She still tries to get into my head and is verbally abusive still, even though I have taken steps to protect myself. I just have to wait this out, then I can go back to just messaging and occasional phone calls with trips here every once in a while instead of so often. I need that peace and serenity back in my life.

At least the next couple of days I get to do some Christmas decorating for the building she lives in. That’s something I like to do and can tune others out while I do it.

Thanksgiving

As I sit here with my mom, a turkey cooking in the oven, and all the sides ready to go in the oven soon, I’m left to reflect. Reflect on the last few years, reflect on times spent with family and friends and left to reflect on how my attitude and issues have weighed on myself and others. Yes, despite the almost constant state of depression and anxiety I’ve been in recently, there are still things to be thankful for.

I’m thankful for my friends. The very few of them that I do have and can count on. They bring me happiness, keep me grounded and let me know that it’s okay to be down, as long as we pick ourselves back up. There have been some ups and downs with all of them this last year, most significantly my best friend. I’m thankful for his patience, his kindness, and that we’ve both come out of a pretty dark place with a better understanding of each other and our friendship than we’ve had in a while.

My family, while mostly small and not people I put myself around frequently, I know there are some of them I can count on. When my mom got sick a couple of months ago, there were a few who reached out and few who helped. I’m grateful that they could when I could not get away to help.

There are so many other small things that I’m thankful for- rainy days, snow, the comfort of being in a warm house, not starving and mostly the ability to get my health- both mental and physical, back to some semblance of normal. I may never be what I once was, but I can get healthy, take care of the issues I have, and nurture the strength I have inside.

I hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving and start to the holiday season.

Down but not quite out

So today was one of those days. A day where I’ve wanted nothing more than to talk to others, and just be around people…but didn’t have the mental strength to do it. I went to reach out to a couple of different friends, but one was busy and the other was dealing with their own issues. I mean I did get out to get something from the gas station, but it’s not the same as having someone to go back and forth with even for just a few minutes. But I essentially have suffered in silence for the last few days.

Tomorrow I’m supposed to head to Iowa, to my moms. At this point, I don’t care if I go or not. I’m just that down today. Today I feel like I deserve to be completely alone for the foreseeable future. Because I’m not worth it to talk to and am just generally unfit to be around others right now. And I’ve accepted that for now. Tomorrow it could be different but for right now, I only feel disinterest.

This time of year, you’re supposed to reflect on things you’re thankful for. I’m thankful I’m still alive, and that I have my friends and the little bit of family I do have. But otherwise, I don’t have much else. On the other end of things, I’m working on a short story and it might get posted here, it really depends on how writing it goes.

So it’ll be a few days before I post again, and maybe I’ll be in better spirits then. I hope those who are in the U.S. have a  Happy Thanksgiving, and everyone else has a good rest of the week.

Lack of Sleep

I haven’t had a lot of sleep the last couple of days. Not that it’s anything unusual. I do my best to try and get at least 5-6 hours but it’s often broken and leaves me tired and fatigued more than what my other health issues already do. 

Which brings me to my second issue. I’ve talked to my mom last night and today some. She’s trying to guilt me into going earlier there, regardless of what I want or need to do around here. On top of that, I’m supposed to care and actively ask about her problems and issues. I just get told to suck up my anxiety and problems and deal with whatever the issue is. Which is something I try to do. But my anxiety is getting more invasive and overwhelming. My depression is the same. I can do things to hold it at bay, but after a while, things start getting worse.

Yes, there’s a medication I’m supposed to be on for it. I hate how it makes me feel, or better yet the lack of things I feel. I feel nothing when I take it consistently. I feel no happiness, no sadness, no anger, no frustration, no good no bad. I just exist, and at its core, that seems like a fantastic thing. However, that’s what has led me to cut in the past. I have made great strides in not cutting, and haven’t in over a year. But there are times I have that urge still. 

Anyways, today was not as productive as I would have liked. But at least I’ve ate, napped a little and done a little organizing. Considering the way I’m feeling all the way around today, I still count it as a mostly successful day. Tomorrow I’m hoping to paint some walls and hopefully will get some better sleep tonight. 

I Let My Anxiety Win

Today my anxiety won. I’ve already had to quit my job, I was so overwhelmed and anxious just going that my best friend and roommate offered to drive me/pick me up. After getting there, and being shown the 6 ways to get into the building and the 3 ways to get to the training room (because that’s something to push on people’s first day). Then being told we had 2 days to learn various banking regulations, and that we’d likely be training others in less than 3 weeks. I took one of the “tests” on one of the regulations 4 times.  I failed all the way around today. I feel horrible. I’ve wasted a lot of people’s time and money just to go for one day and discover I can’t do this.

The worst part is there was a time that something like this was right up my alley. I could have learned these regulations no problem and not had a second thought about it. But then things got a lot worse, my anxiety got worse- my separation and divorce didn’t help that process either. There hasn’t been a lot that has helped. But I know I can’t keep doing this or letting it happen.

I’ve already started applying for other jobs that I think would be a better fit, or at least I hope they are. Tomorrow’s a new day though. It’s a new start. A new chance to not let my anxiety win for the second day in a row.

Tonight I’m trying to show myself a little of the kindness I try to show others.