Tag: kindness

Lists and Calendars

I try my best to stay organized. I write things down in my notebook, add them to my various calendars (both online and physical ones), I almost obsessively try to keep track of everything going on in my life. I write little blurbs about how I felt that day, how my mood and how my depression was, as well as just keep a journal to sort out feelings. I always do pretty well about this at the beginning of the year. I carry my bullet journal and my planner around with me almost everywhere, I have my phone if I don’t have either of those.

But still, by the time Late March/Early April comes around, I almost always abandon it. I think a lot of that has to do with how I feel in the Springtime as well as still grieving and dealing with my own emotions. That time of year is when my life has always seemed to turn upside down. This year though, I’m sticking through it. No matter what, no matter how I feel, I have to keep moving forward. This year will be different.

It’s already different in a few different ways, I’m coping with my mental illnesses. I’m trying to do more than just survive. I know my limitations and I’m not as afraid to ask for help as I once was. And sometimes all it takes is that little shift of perspective. From being so focused on what is wrong, to seeing that I can still do things it just takes me a little longer with some modifications but it still gets done.

There’s still a long way for me to go this year in terms of a lot of things. At 10 days in though, I’m more positive than I have been in so long. Things are looking up, I just can’t let myself get bogged down in the small things that go wrong, because the slightly larger thing is just around the corner.

 

End of the Year

We’re rapidly approaching the end of 2018, and preparing for the beginning of 2019. I’m ready for the new year to start. It’s a symbol of renewal and hope for me. 2018 hasn’t shaped up quite like I had envisioned. I haven’t found another job yet, I haven’t been able to get any kind of medical or mental health care, but all of that is okay. Next week is a completely new start. I’m still in Illinois, but working on plans to move further east. It may not be in 2019, or even 2020, but it’s something to work towards and plan for.

Despite how grim and hopeless I have felt about things the last couple of months, things are getting better. I’m more secure in where I’m living. I’m not afraid that I’m going to be kicked out at moments notice again. I have a very part-time job for most of January, I have another interview next week, and have many other applications out for work that I feel capable of doing. I’m making strides on working on myself. I’m trying not to be as negative about myself, I’m doing my best to accept that people who want to be around me want to do so because they see something I don’t. I am doing little things to help myself with my depression and my anxiety, I’m getting outside and moving around, I’m doing things that I truly enjoy doing. For instance, I baked bread and enjoyed it for the first time in 6 months, and I’m looking forward to doing it again in a couple of days. I am truly enjoying rediscovering some of the things I enjoyed in the past.

Once the new year starts, and I get back from taking care of some things with my mom, I’m intending to go to the gym and work out as well as work. I’m also hoping to get things started for my crafts again so that I can try to earn some money that way as well, and I want to post more about that and what I’m working on once I restart that endeavor. Hopefully, my insurance will come through one way or the other and I can get things going there too.

Ultimately, 2018, while it hasn’t been that great it was okay. I’ve survived another year, my divorce was finalized and I’ve lived in 3 different states. My health and mental health have taken a turn for the worse, but I’m still around and working on things the best I can, and that’s enough for me for now.

Even if 2019 doesn’t live up to my lofty expectations, I will survive and keep moving forward.

Happy New Year.

crazy-nana-585498-unsplash
Photo by Crazy nana on Unsplash

 

It’s Been A Few Days…

So it’s been about 2 weeks since I’ve actually sat down to write or really reflect on a lot of things. I’m struggling mentally and physically. Mentally my depression and anxiety are at the worst they’ve been in quite a long time, and it doesn’t help that any work I keep trying to get either falls through or just isn’t worth the expense of me doing it. Physically, I’m a wreck. I’m in pain all of the time, I’m fatigued and I have joint pain when there’s no reason for me to.

All of it boils down to, yeah I’m alive but it’s a struggle to continue. I continue to try to find positives, sometimes I do other times I find something I think might be positive for others to just shoot it down. But I try and that’s what counts. So for the next few days, I’m going to keep trying to find the positives and keep moving forward. And hopefully, it’ll be enough for me to begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Thanksgiving

As I sit here with my mom, a turkey cooking in the oven, and all the sides ready to go in the oven soon, I’m left to reflect. Reflect on the last few years, reflect on times spent with family and friends and left to reflect on how my attitude and issues have weighed on myself and others. Yes, despite the almost constant state of depression and anxiety I’ve been in recently, there are still things to be thankful for.

I’m thankful for my friends. The very few of them that I do have and can count on. They bring me happiness, keep me grounded and let me know that it’s okay to be down, as long as we pick ourselves back up. There have been some ups and downs with all of them this last year, most significantly my best friend. I’m thankful for his patience, his kindness, and that we’ve both come out of a pretty dark place with a better understanding of each other and our friendship than we’ve had in a while.

My family, while mostly small and not people I put myself around frequently, I know there are some of them I can count on. When my mom got sick a couple of months ago, there were a few who reached out and few who helped. I’m grateful that they could when I could not get away to help.

There are so many other small things that I’m thankful for- rainy days, snow, the comfort of being in a warm house, not starving and mostly the ability to get my health- both mental and physical, back to some semblance of normal. I may never be what I once was, but I can get healthy, take care of the issues I have, and nurture the strength I have inside.

I hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving and start to the holiday season.

Down but not quite out

So today was one of those days. A day where I’ve wanted nothing more than to talk to others, and just be around people…but didn’t have the mental strength to do it. I went to reach out to a couple of different friends, but one was busy and the other was dealing with their own issues. I mean I did get out to get something from the gas station, but it’s not the same as having someone to go back and forth with even for just a few minutes. But I essentially have suffered in silence for the last few days.

Tomorrow I’m supposed to head to Iowa, to my moms. At this point, I don’t care if I go or not. I’m just that down today. Today I feel like I deserve to be completely alone for the foreseeable future. Because I’m not worth it to talk to and am just generally unfit to be around others right now. And I’ve accepted that for now. Tomorrow it could be different but for right now, I only feel disinterest.

This time of year, you’re supposed to reflect on things you’re thankful for. I’m thankful I’m still alive, and that I have my friends and the little bit of family I do have. But otherwise, I don’t have much else. On the other end of things, I’m working on a short story and it might get posted here, it really depends on how writing it goes.

So it’ll be a few days before I post again, and maybe I’ll be in better spirits then. I hope those who are in the U.S. have a  Happy Thanksgiving, and everyone else has a good rest of the week.

Productivity

So I wasn’t as productive as I’d have liked today. But I started early and ended early. I got half of one large room painted, going to do the other half tomorrow and maybe start on the hallway. It really depends on when I get up, and how much pain I’m in again.

When my anxiety and depression flare up so does my pain. It’s why I wasn’t as productive. Sadly there’s not a whole lot that helps this kind of pain, that I have access to right now. Instead, I just do things in bursts and take a lot of breaks to let the flare-ups go down. Doctors haven’t believed me in the past that I’ve had issues like this, and I’m hesitant to bring it up to any new doctors because well they tend not to believe me.

It’s also the second full day I’ve been by myself. I can stay it’s starting to get to me, but I’ll be okay. I’ve got things to do and have a plan to leave to go to Iowa early in the week instead of waiting until closer to Thanksgiving.

I have to keep my head up and keep soldiering on.

Fresh Snow

So tonight and into tomorrow, there’s supposed to be snow here. I love the snow. I love the silence it brings in the middle of the night, when all you hear are the wet heavy flakes thudding into what has already fallen. I also love the cleanliness. Everything is covered in an untouched layer of snow. The world looks less harsh and less dead. There’s peace.

Peace is something I know my mind could use more of. Peace in what I’m doing. Having the peace of mind that I’m making the right decisions, and doing the right things. That friends wouldn’t automatically assume that I can’t handle myself when I’m pressed to be alone.

While being alone isn’t something I want all of the time. I can handle it in the times I need to be. Am I scared, yes a little. But I have projects I can work on to fill that time. There’s some games I can play as well. I can also take that time and focus on myself. Because ultimately, I have to be able to take care of myself even if I want to be around others. No one else can do that for me. 

Since work hasn’t panned out like I’d hoped, I’m going to try for some other options for working and see about getting that help for myself sooner, rather than later. I owe it to myself to try and become more functional.

Being kind to myself didn’t hurt me. It’s let me see that I do deserve happiness, and normal things. I just have to work a little harder for them. And that’s ok. 

I Let My Anxiety Win

Today my anxiety won. I’ve already had to quit my job, I was so overwhelmed and anxious just going that my best friend and roommate offered to drive me/pick me up. After getting there, and being shown the 6 ways to get into the building and the 3 ways to get to the training room (because that’s something to push on people’s first day). Then being told we had 2 days to learn various banking regulations, and that we’d likely be training others in less than 3 weeks. I took one of the “tests” on one of the regulations 4 times.  I failed all the way around today. I feel horrible. I’ve wasted a lot of people’s time and money just to go for one day and discover I can’t do this.

The worst part is there was a time that something like this was right up my alley. I could have learned these regulations no problem and not had a second thought about it. But then things got a lot worse, my anxiety got worse- my separation and divorce didn’t help that process either. There hasn’t been a lot that has helped. But I know I can’t keep doing this or letting it happen.

I’ve already started applying for other jobs that I think would be a better fit, or at least I hope they are. Tomorrow’s a new day though. It’s a new start. A new chance to not let my anxiety win for the second day in a row.

Tonight I’m trying to show myself a little of the kindness I try to show others.

 

A little bit of everything

So a friend of mine pointed out I hadn’t written anything for a couple of days. And I haven’t. I haven’t been in a good enough place mentally to do it. Yesterday (the 9th) was a hard day for me. And today while better, I’m still in a pretty dark place. But I know getting the thoughts and ideas out of my head will do more good than me stewing, thinking and staring at a blank screen or playing a mindless video game to waste the time away.

The last year or so, I’ve spent too much time just wasting the time I have. Wasting it by playing games, wasting by not being true to myself, wasting it to my fears and anxieties. I’ve bounced around a lot, not had a steady healthcare (mental or otherwise) provider in well over a year at this point. I know it’s something I need. My depression is getting worse. My anxieties are even more crippling than they were before. But I try to hide it. Not because I’m afraid of others seeing it. I hide it so that I don’t have to deal with it.

Avoidance has always been my coping tool of choice. How did I deal with my grief? I avoided it until I couldn’t any longer. How do I deal with my anger and being hurt? I avoid it or find something physical to do to dispel it. Whether it’s moving around things that I really shouldn’t be or just overdoing it by going on a really long walk, I do something. In the past, I used to cut myself to deal with that anger and hurt, as well as a lot of other emotions. I won’t let myself do that anymore, and haven’t actively cut in over a year at this point. But the urge is there. The shame is there too.

I’m trying to lose weight and accept my body for what it is. There are scars hiding in my stretch marks. Those same scars are hiding in places a lot of people will never see. But I have to come to grips with each one of those lines and be at peace with them. Each mark was because of something going on in my life, things I no longer remember. But they were big enough at the time for me to leave some lasting effects on my body. And I can’t do anything now to take them away. And if at some point in my future, someone sees one and asks. I’ll be honest. I can’t hide and run away from my past.

What does the above have to do with my depression and anxiety? A lot of my anxieties stem from my past. I had a rocky childhood, my teenage years were not my own, and I ran instead of dealing with things just as I entered adulthood. But they have shaped me into who I am. Despite all the things I’ve dealt with I still try to be kind, caring, considerate, and helpful. I don’t always succeed. But I know deep down I’m not my mental illness. That it can be controlled, and I can do more good that way than I can just floating along like I am now. So once I get more comfortable in my new job (in 2 or 3 weeks) I’m going to find a doctor to help with the physical issues I have. I’m going to find a therapist so I can get on the right path of getting my mental health sorted out. I don’t think my original diagnoses are all I have any longer. But at the time I received them I hid so much of what was going on.

No longer.

I need the help to become who I want to be.

Drive

I had to drive up to my mom’s today, so I could be with her for a meeting tomorrow and take care of a few things for her. It’s not always good for my mental health to be around her, but I do try to appreciate the time I do get to spend with her as she ages. We’ve always had a rather rocky relationship, not helped by teenage angst, my dad dying when I was 19 and me taking over most of the things she should have been responsible for, and then me resenting that for the last 10+ years. So I know I can’t do everything, and I can’t even be here all the time for her. I feel guilty for that, but I have to live my own life too. I spent way too long letting her dictate what would happen that I have to struggle and fight to do it now.

The drive up here also put a few other things in perspective for me. Because it has been presented to me that I’m not as forthcoming with some of my friends when something is bothering or if there’s something going on. A lot of that is it’s a survival instinct for me. I wasn’t allowed to talk about how I felt or how I was coping with things growing up so I learned to hide it away to deal with it later. That is not a healthy way of dealing with things. So I have to adjust and remember that I can rely on those closest to me when I am lost in my own head. They’ve proven that I can time and time again, I just get set in my ways.

I also got to play a bunch of music I hadn’t listened to in forever. It was refreshing to listen to some of the music I did in high school. And I’ll even say I laughed in the car when three very specific songs that a friend of mine and I have a love/hate relationship with came on one right after the other. The irony of those 3 songs playing back to back right now is just amazing. It reminded me that I’m not as alone as I think I am at times.

So now I sit here in Iowa, taking care of things before leaving again on Tuesday. I know I’ll be back here again, probably sooner rather than later, but that’s ok. I have people I can count on that will support me, no matter my mood, no matter how much I waiver on decisions, and they actually care about me for who I am. And for right now, that’s enough.

~T