Tag: hope

End of the Year

We’re rapidly approaching the end of 2018, and preparing for the beginning of 2019. I’m ready for the new year to start. It’s a symbol of renewal and hope for me. 2018 hasn’t shaped up quite like I had envisioned. I haven’t found another job yet, I haven’t been able to get any kind of medical or mental health care, but all of that is okay. Next week is a completely new start. I’m still in Illinois, but working on plans to move further east. It may not be in 2019, or even 2020, but it’s something to work towards and plan for.

Despite how grim and hopeless I have felt about things the last couple of months, things are getting better. I’m more secure in where I’m living. I’m not afraid that I’m going to be kicked out at moments notice again. I have a very part-time job for most of January, I have another interview next week, and have many other applications out for work that I feel capable of doing. I’m making strides on working on myself. I’m trying not to be as negative about myself, I’m doing my best to accept that people who want to be around me want to do so because they see something I don’t. I am doing little things to help myself with my depression and my anxiety, I’m getting outside and moving around, I’m doing things that I truly enjoy doing. For instance, I baked bread and enjoyed it for the first time in 6 months, and I’m looking forward to doing it again in a couple of days. I am truly enjoying rediscovering some of the things I enjoyed in the past.

Once the new year starts, and I get back from taking care of some things with my mom, I’m intending to go to the gym and work out as well as work. I’m also hoping to get things started for my crafts again so that I can try to earn some money that way as well, and I want to post more about that and what I’m working on once I restart that endeavor. Hopefully, my insurance will come through one way or the other and I can get things going there too.

Ultimately, 2018, while it hasn’t been that great it was okay. I’ve survived another year, my divorce was finalized and I’ve lived in 3 different states. My health and mental health have taken a turn for the worse, but I’m still around and working on things the best I can, and that’s enough for me for now.

Even if 2019 doesn’t live up to my lofty expectations, I will survive and keep moving forward.

Happy New Year.

crazy-nana-585498-unsplash
Photo by Crazy nana on Unsplash

 

Drive

I had to drive up to my mom’s today, so I could be with her for a meeting tomorrow and take care of a few things for her. It’s not always good for my mental health to be around her, but I do try to appreciate the time I do get to spend with her as she ages. We’ve always had a rather rocky relationship, not helped by teenage angst, my dad dying when I was 19 and me taking over most of the things she should have been responsible for, and then me resenting that for the last 10+ years. So I know I can’t do everything, and I can’t even be here all the time for her. I feel guilty for that, but I have to live my own life too. I spent way too long letting her dictate what would happen that I have to struggle and fight to do it now.

The drive up here also put a few other things in perspective for me. Because it has been presented to me that I’m not as forthcoming with some of my friends when something is bothering or if there’s something going on. A lot of that is it’s a survival instinct for me. I wasn’t allowed to talk about how I felt or how I was coping with things growing up so I learned to hide it away to deal with it later. That is not a healthy way of dealing with things. So I have to adjust and remember that I can rely on those closest to me when I am lost in my own head. They’ve proven that I can time and time again, I just get set in my ways.

I also got to play a bunch of music I hadn’t listened to in forever. It was refreshing to listen to some of the music I did in high school. And I’ll even say I laughed in the car when three very specific songs that a friend of mine and I have a love/hate relationship with came on one right after the other. The irony of those 3 songs playing back to back right now is just amazing. It reminded me that I’m not as alone as I think I am at times.

So now I sit here in Iowa, taking care of things before leaving again on Tuesday. I know I’ll be back here again, probably sooner rather than later, but that’s ok. I have people I can count on that will support me, no matter my mood, no matter how much I waiver on decisions, and they actually care about me for who I am. And for right now, that’s enough.

~T

Upheaval

For the 3rd time in 1 month, I’ve packed and moved… It’s probably not my smartest of decisions but I feel it’s the right one. I’m where I feel I am needed the most. I’m sure there are some out there who would disagree, and tell me this was a dumb decision or that they’ll tell me ‘I told you so’ if it blows up. But here’s the thing. I don’t think it will blow up this time. There’s been a lot of heart-to-hearts about why I’m here and what it means that I am even after the things that were said about me to someone else. I’m ultimately here because I am too kind of a person. I give too many chances, but when I’m at the end of my capabilities, I will walk away. I was ready to walk away. The person I’m here helping saw that. Knew that I only can do so much and that they were out to just hurt me because they had been hurt too.

Only time will tell if this was a good or bad move. I’m hoping good. Because it is my best friend. The person who helped put my pieces back together right after my separation and ultimate divorce from my ex-husband. The person is a part of my life because I value all of the good I have seen of them, and all of the good I know they’re capable of. At a time when I was at my lowest, and some medical issues came up, they took care of me. They made sure my bills were paid- not wanting anything but an eventual payback but there was no rigid timeline. This is my time that I can pay them back. Between helping with bills, cooking, making sure that they are doing the things they need to I can start to pay back what I feel they are owed.

Part of the decision to move again was that my mom was doing better without me there than she was with me there. She’s moving around better, is eating more, has more energy and is just overall in better spirits. While she doesn’t fully understand why I’m doing what I’m doing, she supports me in it (which is something she doesn’t do often.) So I plan to go back for her appointments as I can, the ones I can’t I plan to call the offices and check what is going on. So there can’t be any more miscommunication, and so that the important medical information isn’t kept from me.

Will my time in Decatur be permanent? Probably not. I’m sure that I want to move away from here, and find a place that is a good fit for me, my family (what’s here now and what is still in the future) and live that happily ever after we all dream of. I know nothing is that easy, and there will be a lot of work, stress, and tears. But it will be worth it.

We all deserve good things. We just have to be willing to put the work in for them.

~T

Day? Who Knew Numbering Things Would Get Old So Fast?

Alright, so obviously the number thing is going out the window. I sometimes have a hard enough time keeping track of who I am, where I’m going and what I’m doing that things get a little sideways for me at times. Today, while not a bad day, just leaves me exhausted looking at numbers and the short amount of time I’ve been at things. I love writing, and I love getting my thoughts out but sometimes, it’s impossible for me to fully wrap my head around an idea and see it through. Today is one of those days.

So this may be a little all over the place- because I don’t edit and parse things down. I just write, make sure it looks good and my grammar isn’t totally atrocious and call it good. So you get my off the cuff, thoughts that are plaguing me right now. In no particular order of importance.

First off, I’ve been in Illinois helping a friend. What with or why isn’t my story to tell. It’s not been easy, but it’s been worth it.  I drove for 6 hours because my friend needed me. Insane? Maybe. But if nothing else I’m loyal to a damn fault. He and I have had many ups an downs in the time we’ve known one another, but we work past it. I know he’d be there for me if I needed him, just like I am here for him.

I know I’ve struggled a lot in the last couple of days with a few things. My anxiety has been through the roof. Not just about me and my situation, but for my friend. My depression through a curve ball at me that I didn’t see coming. I’m still not completely out of that one, but I can deal with it. It isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with feeling like this, and it won’t be the last either. I’m scared of leaving here tomorrow (Saturday.) I’m scared to leave my friend alone, not because he can’t handle it. I know full well he can. But because I can help now, and carve out time now, but I can’t promise that later. I have a job to find, an apartment to get and things to do in Iowa. But he understands, and I know that he’ll be okay in the long run even if things are tough right now.

On top of those fun issues, I have a long, boring 6-hour drive ahead of me tomorrow to go back. I am dreading it. I hate traveling alone. Music and podcasts only get me so far. I’m hopeful I can find some people to talk on the phone to and spend the day chatting or catching up with others. But if I can’t, it is what it is. When I get back I resume taking care of my mom and the joy that is. I know she’s been fine since I left on Tuesday, but I know I need to get back.

The other big thing right now, racing through my head and thoughts? Relationships. I’m in one. It’s been great so far. I’m a little scared because of the quickness things have moved, but at the same time, it feels right. It feels more right than my marriage ever did. I’ve only told one friend (and they’re happy I’m happy) but I know I can’t tell my mom. She’ll just criticize me and my decisions assuming I haven’t learned anything. Despite all of that, I’m happy. That is something I haven’t felt in a long, long time. I feel cared for. I know he would support me if I needed it. And you know what? It feels good.

Sometimes we just have to let ourselves feel the good things, and let ourselves get recharged so we can keep doing positive things.

~T

 

Day 4- Keeping Myself Accountable

Why am I doing things with a day count in them? It’s to help hold myself accountable. I want to see a streak of numbers that don’t have too many gaps or spaces. The purpose of my blog is it’s a place for me to work through my thoughts and feelings and document what I’m feeling, doing or seeing. If I help others along the way, that’s even better but it is not what I’m out for. It’s not my greater reason for this. I just want to be able to not gaslight myself or let others gaslight me about the things I am trying to experience for myself.

I have a hard time staying accountable to myself. I want to lose weight- but can’t keep track of calories or other things more than a few days before I give up. I like to keep a physical journal and calendar- I write important dates down but forget to write the small things down I’d like to remember. I want to be able to celebrate some of the smaller milestones I’ve ignored in the past.

Like today for instance- I’ve eaten like garbage, had more caffeine than I’ve had in weeks and just kind of lazed around. But I can also see the things I have done today- I helped a friend with a few things and am able to return home tomorrow with a bit more confidence that they aren’t going to get too bad too quickly again. I also found a little more resolve for just taking one of the jobs I’ve applied for instead of waiting things out for something better. I can always look for better- but I need something to pay the bills now. I have also tried to promise myself that I would try to stop eating like garbage once I get back home and not fall back into it if I have to come back to Illinois. I also have decided I need to force myself into some better sleep habits. I can’t always stay up half the night and be awake at too early o’clock in the morning. Lots of changes I want to make, the hard part is sticking to them.

So I hope to continue the day # format for a while- but if I quit, I know it’s not the end of the world either. As long as I get my thoughts and memories down- that’s the more important thing.

~T