Tag: depression

Day? Who Knew Numbering Things Would Get Old So Fast?

Alright, so obviously the number thing is going out the window. I sometimes have a hard enough time keeping track of who I am, where I’m going and what I’m doing that things get a little sideways for me at times. Today, while not a bad day, just leaves me exhausted looking at numbers and the short amount of time I’ve been at things. I love writing, and I love getting my thoughts out but sometimes, it’s impossible for me to fully wrap my head around an idea and see it through. Today is one of those days.

So this may be a little all over the place- because I don’t edit and parse things down. I just write, make sure it looks good and my grammar isn’t totally atrocious and call it good. So you get my off the cuff, thoughts that are plaguing me right now. In no particular order of importance.

First off, I’ve been in Illinois helping a friend. What with or why isn’t my story to tell. It’s not been easy, but it’s been worth it.  I drove for 6 hours because my friend needed me. Insane? Maybe. But if nothing else I’m loyal to a damn fault. He and I have had many ups an downs in the time we’ve known one another, but we work past it. I know he’d be there for me if I needed him, just like I am here for him.

I know I’ve struggled a lot in the last couple of days with a few things. My anxiety has been through the roof. Not just about me and my situation, but for my friend. My depression through a curve ball at me that I didn’t see coming. I’m still not completely out of that one, but I can deal with it. It isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with feeling like this, and it won’t be the last either. I’m scared of leaving here tomorrow (Saturday.) I’m scared to leave my friend alone, not because he can’t handle it. I know full well he can. But because I can help now, and carve out time now, but I can’t promise that later. I have a job to find, an apartment to get and things to do in Iowa. But he understands, and I know that he’ll be okay in the long run even if things are tough right now.

On top of those fun issues, I have a long, boring 6-hour drive ahead of me tomorrow to go back. I am dreading it. I hate traveling alone. Music and podcasts only get me so far. I’m hopeful I can find some people to talk on the phone to and spend the day chatting or catching up with others. But if I can’t, it is what it is. When I get back I resume taking care of my mom and the joy that is. I know she’s been fine since I left on Tuesday, but I know I need to get back.

The other big thing right now, racing through my head and thoughts? Relationships. I’m in one. It’s been great so far. I’m a little scared because of the quickness things have moved, but at the same time, it feels right. It feels more right than my marriage ever did. I’ve only told one friend (and they’re happy I’m happy) but I know I can’t tell my mom. She’ll just criticize me and my decisions assuming I haven’t learned anything. Despite all of that, I’m happy. That is something I haven’t felt in a long, long time. I feel cared for. I know he would support me if I needed it. And you know what? It feels good.

Sometimes we just have to let ourselves feel the good things, and let ourselves get recharged so we can keep doing positive things.

~T

 

Day 2(and Day 3 Because Life Happens)- Indecision and How It Affects Me

I have always been indecisive. Not sure what I want, where I want to live, and what I want to do. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember. I was indecisive as a child because my mom refused to let me be independent while my dad encouraged it. My mother was convinced that I had to be the best/brightest at whatever I was doing in order to bother to do it at all. It used to drive her insane in high school when I actively was involved with the band. I refused to bring my trumpet (that I chose over getting a cheap car mind you) home to practice. I didn’t want her to constantly tell me what I was doing wrong, despite her never playing an instrument in her life. I had quit playing organ years earlier for the same reason. She had the unrealistic desire for a 4-6-year-old to play perfect the first time they played anything too.

Twelve years ago, I got married to someone I knew for 3 months. We went from dating to married in that short time. I don’t regret it, but I don’t recommend it either. We were happy for the first 6 or so of our 12-year marriage. After that, our differences started becoming too much and we mutually decided to end things last year. Where’s the indecision, you might be asking? Well, when you can’t decide for 6 years if you want to be married to someone or not it takes its toll. When we finally parted (officially earlier this year), it was on mostly okay terms. Not the best of friends but not bitter enemies either.

There’s been more indecision and upheaval throughout my life. From bouncing around and moving the last year and a half, and the instability that brought, to dealing with being the “adult” at 19 just after my dad died. My mom played the grieving widow part well, but it was me who sat with my dad at his chemo appointments, and me who took him to radiation before he passed away. It was me who made some of the hard decisions after he died. I was the one who couldn’t say goodbye the night he was moved to hospice. I was also taking her to work and working some at the same time too. But then I had to listen to her go on about she just did so much for him… It killed the last part of love I had for her. Which has made me indecisive on how I feel about her and taking care of her as she gets older. I do it now, out of obligation and guilt. Guilt because I promised my dad I’d do everything I could to help her out. Now no one expects a 19-year-old to follow that, but I have tried my best to. And now with me at 33, she needs help. I give what I can, but if she doesn’t want to take care of herself, who the hell am I to force that? And I feel torn about it, because well she is my mom and the only family I really have left. At the same time, where was the mom I needed when my world kept crashing down? Why do I have to be there for her now? I know I don’t owe her anything. I just do it for my own peace of mind and so that the guilt won’t completely eat me alive.

Where does that leave me now? Still undecided in a lot of things but I know a few things. I want to finish my degree in Psychology so I can help people. I hope it’s sometime in the next few years but no one really knows what the future has in store. I want to find the happiness that I’ve lost out on and had previously given up finding. I want to be the person I could have been 10 years ago if life hadn’t decided to dump all those things on someone who wasn’t wholly prepared or even a little prepared. But at least I have things I want to accomplish and want to strive to be now. That’s more things decided than what I had yesterday. And maybe tomorrow, I can finally decide what some of my favorite things are.

The goodness and kindness we can show to others is what keeps me from getting stuck on all the bad that has happened in my own life. We can each be that force of good- if we just get out of our own heads from time to time.

~T

Day 1- And There’s Just Not Enough Spoons

I’ll be the first to admit I wear my feelings on my sleeve and run headfirst into situations I have no business being in. I have a very long history of doing that, and I don’t plan to change that part of me. I like helping people, offering them support even if I am on the verge of my own breakdown. I don’t ask for that help in return, because I know most people can’t give me that time I need to feel more like myself. But today, I just don’t have enough spoons for a lot of others. I use the Spoon Theory a little differently than most. A lot of people use it for doing basic everyday things. I use it for interactions because they can wear me out depending on how emotionally driven they are.

A friend feeling suicidal? I’m generally the first one to hop in my car and do what I can to ease their pain, and just listen. Doesn’t matter if it puts me into danger or not. I go in, talk to them, let them talk, yell, vent, scream, whatever it takes. I help get them back into an ok state of mind and push them towards getting the help that they do need and deserve that I just can’t give.  I give them the normal suicide prevention hotlines, and there are some great texting options as well. I’d be remiss if I didn’t say there were times I’ve reached out to them for support for myself in some very dark times. It was some great crisis support staff that encouraged me to seek out therapy for own self-destructive behavior.

A different friend just needs someone to listen to their problems, no matter how big or small they are. I lend my ear and we spend time together with me just listening and offering bits of advice as I can. I don’t force my opinion and I don’t just straight out tell them that their problems are insignificant. I value that time with others because it helps give me perspective on some of my own problems and I can work through them with someone else.

Then there’s a third friend I have. We barely speak, just occasional messages on social media with the occasional visit if we are in each other’s vicinity. We live states apart but have been friends since we were kids. It’s all a different type of support, that no one can try to take away and we’ve lost touch at various times but always end up finding one another and picking back up like no time has passed and no distance is there.

In my own struggles with life, depression and just being overwhelmed, I’ve discovered that I can’t offer help to those I care about most if I don’t have enough spoons to take care of myself first. Today, I almost didn’t have enough spoons. I stayed up very late last night (ok it was into the very early morning hours before I finally slept a little), but a special someone I cared about needed my support. It was when I was woken up by the first friend with a phone call that I quickly shifted from having plenty to not having enough. Once the phone calls resolved and I talked with that special someone I started getting those spoons back. They showed they cared. They showed that the care and love weren’t just one-sided. And I quickly regained my footing for the day and was able to get a few of the things done that I really needed to.

But back to the subject at hand here. Sometimes all it takes a little kindness to someone we don’t even know. Other times it’s a smile and a friendly word to the cashier at the store we’re at. Just be kind. It doesn’t matter what your stance it, what your income is, what your politics are. It’s free to be kind and show compassion.

We all need some kind of support in our lives. I’ve finally found someone who understands that I give so much of myself so freely because I don’t know any other way to be. Even when it means I slowly destroy myself in the process. We have to help one another find the good things in life.

Be kind to each other. The world needs more of that.

~T

Information/Resources

Suicide Prevention:

1-800-273-8255

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Crisis Text Line:

Text HOME to 741741

https://www.crisistextline.org/

LBGTQ

1-866-488-7836

or text START to 678678

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

There are other groups that offer help out there, and I’ll be happy to include them here.

But if you or a loved one are in crisis, please reach out to your local first responders/ call 911 or your local emergency number.