Day 1- And There’s Just Not Enough Spoons

I’ll be the first to admit I wear my feelings on my sleeve and run headfirst into situations I have no business being in. I have a very long history of doing that, and I don’t plan to change that part of me. I like helping people, offering them support even if I am on the verge of my own breakdown. I don’t ask for that help in return, because I know most people can’t give me that time I need to feel more like myself. But today, I just don’t have enough spoons for a lot of others. I use the Spoon Theory a little differently than most. A lot of people use it for doing basic everyday things. I use it for interactions because they can wear me out depending on how emotionally driven they are.

A friend feeling suicidal? I’m generally the first one to hop in my car and do what I can to ease their pain, and just listen. Doesn’t matter if it puts me into danger or not. I go in, talk to them, let them talk, yell, vent, scream, whatever it takes. I help get them back into an ok state of mind and push them towards getting the help that they do need and deserve that I just can’t give.  I give them the normal suicide prevention hotlines, and there are some great texting options as well. I’d be remiss if I didn’t say there were times I’ve reached out to them for support for myself in some very dark times. It was some great crisis support staff that encouraged me to seek out therapy for own self-destructive behavior.

A different friend just needs someone to listen to their problems, no matter how big or small they are. I lend my ear and we spend time together with me just listening and offering bits of advice as I can. I don’t force my opinion and I don’t just straight out tell them that their problems are insignificant. I value that time with others because it helps give me perspective on some of my own problems and I can work through them with someone else.

Then there’s a third friend I have. We barely speak, just occasional messages on social media with the occasional visit if we are in each other’s vicinity. We live states apart but have been friends since we were kids. It’s all a different type of support, that no one can try to take away and we’ve lost touch at various times but always end up finding one another and picking back up like no time has passed and no distance is there.

In my own struggles with life, depression and just being overwhelmed, I’ve discovered that I can’t offer help to those I care about most if I don’t have enough spoons to take care of myself first. Today, I almost didn’t have enough spoons. I stayed up very late last night (ok it was into the very early morning hours before I finally slept a little), but a special someone I cared about needed my support. It was when I was woken up by the first friend with a phone call that I quickly shifted from having plenty to not having enough. Once the phone calls resolved and I talked with that special someone I started getting those spoons back. They showed they cared. They showed that the care and love weren’t just one-sided. And I quickly regained my footing for the day and was able to get a few of the things done that I really needed to.

But back to the subject at hand here. Sometimes all it takes a little kindness to someone we don’t even know. Other times it’s a smile and a friendly word to the cashier at the store we’re at. Just be kind. It doesn’t matter what your stance it, what your income is, what your politics are. It’s free to be kind and show compassion.

We all need some kind of support in our lives. I’ve finally found someone who understands that I give so much of myself so freely because I don’t know any other way to be. Even when it means I slowly destroy myself in the process. We have to help one another find the good things in life.

Be kind to each other. The world needs more of that.

~T

Information/Resources

Suicide Prevention:

1-800-273-8255

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Crisis Text Line:

Text HOME to 741741

https://www.crisistextline.org/

LBGTQ

1-866-488-7836

or text START to 678678

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

There are other groups that offer help out there, and I’ll be happy to include them here.

But if you or a loved one are in crisis, please reach out to your local first responders/ call 911 or your local emergency number.

Life

Our lives take unexpected turns.

Sometimes we have control of the wheel, other times we’re just the passenger.  I have let others be in control often enough that I wasn’t sure where I was going, what my purpose is, or even if I had a future of any kind.

So instead of leaving things unknown or up to fate or God, I am trying to make the decisions for myself. What is in my best interest? What is it I’m really looking to gain out of life? Do I want a family? Am I content with my career choices? Can I find love again?

All I know is that I don’t have any solid answers right now. But I’m working towards finding them. Finding what I want. Who I am, beneath all the layers of my past. Who I want to be in the future.

Better times are coming. Better things are coming. Self-discovery is a long, hard process but it’s something I need to do after 33 years of living for others. So I’m going to do my best to document it while I try to live my best life. I’m sure there’s going to be some pain and hurt along the way, but no journey is complete without it.

So as we approach the middle of October, I start this journey again. With the intentions of finding the answers I seek, with the help of the people who love and support me.

~T

Getting Started

I’d guess that there’s no better time or place to get myself motivated to get this blog going. I guess a little bit about me might be a good place to start. I’m in my 30’s and newly single. I had been married since I was 20, but we’d been headed for failure for a while.  I moved out of Iowa to get perspective, for a major change of pace, and to figure out something about myself and found myself in Colorado (for the time being anyway.)

I’ve had a rough time here in the 7 or so months I’ve been here. Struggled with not finding work because I’m either overqualified for what I tried for or am so severely under-qualified that no one wants to take a chance. My health has deteriorated in that time as well, which definitely doesn’t help that job situation. So I figured I might as well blog, since it gives me something to do, and lets me look for content and explore some of those creative things that I’ve been wanting to do for so long. And between that and helping my friend/roommate out with things, I’ll at least be semi-productive while still keeping my eyes open for jobs or remote jobs.

How often will I update? That’s something I can’t answer but I’m hoping for a least every other day, even if it’s just posting something goofy and wishing for better days.

I’ll probably do different content as well, some of my thoughts on things, some recipes that I’m trying to work on and tweak to fit my gluten-free/low carb diet, some of my failed attempts at photography,  crafts I decide to work on, information about a book I’m reading or a video game I’m playing and loving.

This is going to be a rough go at this for a while, but as with all things we all get better at them the more we work on things and actually do them.