Down but not quite out

So today was one of those days. A day where I’ve wanted nothing more than to talk to others, and just be around people…but didn’t have the mental strength to do it. I went to reach out to a couple of different friends, but one was busy and the other was dealing with their own issues. I mean I did get out to get something from the gas station, but it’s not the same as having someone to go back and forth with even for just a few minutes. But I essentially have suffered in silence for the last few days.

Tomorrow I’m supposed to head to Iowa, to my moms. At this point, I don’t care if I go or not. I’m just that down today. Today I feel like I deserve to be completely alone for the foreseeable future. Because I’m not worth it to talk to and am just generally unfit to be around others right now. And I’ve accepted that for now. Tomorrow it could be different but for right now, I only feel disinterest.

This time of year, you’re supposed to reflect on things you’re thankful for. I’m thankful I’m still alive, and that I have my friends and the little bit of family I do have. But otherwise, I don’t have much else. On the other end of things, I’m working on a short story and it might get posted here, it really depends on how writing it goes.

So it’ll be a few days before I post again, and maybe I’ll be in better spirits then. I hope those who are in the U.S. have a  Happy Thanksgiving, and everyone else has a good rest of the week.

Productivity

So I wasn’t as productive as I’d have liked today. But I started early and ended early. I got half of one large room painted, going to do the other half tomorrow and maybe start on the hallway. It really depends on when I get up, and how much pain I’m in again.

When my anxiety and depression flare up so does my pain. It’s why I wasn’t as productive. Sadly there’s not a whole lot that helps this kind of pain, that I have access to right now. Instead, I just do things in bursts and take a lot of breaks to let the flare-ups go down. Doctors haven’t believed me in the past that I’ve had issues like this, and I’m hesitant to bring it up to any new doctors because well they tend not to believe me.

It’s also the second full day I’ve been by myself. I can stay it’s starting to get to me, but I’ll be okay. I’ve got things to do and have a plan to leave to go to Iowa early in the week instead of waiting until closer to Thanksgiving.

I have to keep my head up and keep soldiering on.

Lack of Sleep

I haven’t had a lot of sleep the last couple of days. Not that it’s anything unusual. I do my best to try and get at least 5-6 hours but it’s often broken and leaves me tired and fatigued more than what my other health issues already do. 

Which brings me to my second issue. I’ve talked to my mom last night and today some. She’s trying to guilt me into going earlier there, regardless of what I want or need to do around here. On top of that, I’m supposed to care and actively ask about her problems and issues. I just get told to suck up my anxiety and problems and deal with whatever the issue is. Which is something I try to do. But my anxiety is getting more invasive and overwhelming. My depression is the same. I can do things to hold it at bay, but after a while, things start getting worse.

Yes, there’s a medication I’m supposed to be on for it. I hate how it makes me feel, or better yet the lack of things I feel. I feel nothing when I take it consistently. I feel no happiness, no sadness, no anger, no frustration, no good no bad. I just exist, and at its core, that seems like a fantastic thing. However, that’s what has led me to cut in the past. I have made great strides in not cutting, and haven’t in over a year. But there are times I have that urge still. 

Anyways, today was not as productive as I would have liked. But at least I’ve ate, napped a little and done a little organizing. Considering the way I’m feeling all the way around today, I still count it as a mostly successful day. Tomorrow I’m hoping to paint some walls and hopefully will get some better sleep tonight. 

Fresh Snow

So tonight and into tomorrow, there’s supposed to be snow here. I love the snow. I love the silence it brings in the middle of the night, when all you hear are the wet heavy flakes thudding into what has already fallen. I also love the cleanliness. Everything is covered in an untouched layer of snow. The world looks less harsh and less dead. There’s peace.

Peace is something I know my mind could use more of. Peace in what I’m doing. Having the peace of mind that I’m making the right decisions, and doing the right things. That friends wouldn’t automatically assume that I can’t handle myself when I’m pressed to be alone.

While being alone isn’t something I want all of the time. I can handle it in the times I need to be. Am I scared, yes a little. But I have projects I can work on to fill that time. There’s some games I can play as well. I can also take that time and focus on myself. Because ultimately, I have to be able to take care of myself even if I want to be around others. No one else can do that for me. 

Since work hasn’t panned out like I’d hoped, I’m going to try for some other options for working and see about getting that help for myself sooner, rather than later. I owe it to myself to try and become more functional.

Being kind to myself didn’t hurt me. It’s let me see that I do deserve happiness, and normal things. I just have to work a little harder for them. And that’s ok. 

I Let My Anxiety Win

Today my anxiety won. I’ve already had to quit my job, I was so overwhelmed and anxious just going that my best friend and roommate offered to drive me/pick me up. After getting there, and being shown the 6 ways to get into the building and the 3 ways to get to the training room (because that’s something to push on people’s first day). Then being told we had 2 days to learn various banking regulations, and that we’d likely be training others in less than 3 weeks. I took one of the “tests” on one of the regulations 4 times.  I failed all the way around today. I feel horrible. I’ve wasted a lot of people’s time and money just to go for one day and discover I can’t do this.

The worst part is there was a time that something like this was right up my alley. I could have learned these regulations no problem and not had a second thought about it. But then things got a lot worse, my anxiety got worse- my separation and divorce didn’t help that process either. There hasn’t been a lot that has helped. But I know I can’t keep doing this or letting it happen.

I’ve already started applying for other jobs that I think would be a better fit, or at least I hope they are. Tomorrow’s a new day though. It’s a new start. A new chance to not let my anxiety win for the second day in a row.

Tonight I’m trying to show myself a little of the kindness I try to show others.

 

Facing my Unknown Future

So I’ve spent a lot of time lost in my own head/mind the last few days. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, I don’t know but it’s led me to overthink and stress about things I probably shouldn’t be worrying about right now. Things like my future. What will it hold? Will I ever finish my psychology degree? Will I find someone who truly loves and cares about me? Will I be able to have kids? Will my mental illnesses make it to where I see none of those things? Is there still hope?

That last one is actually the hardest one for me right now. I don’t have any hope. Anything positive to look forward to. Nothing of the sort. I have my boring existence, that matters to so few people. I know I can’t rely on others for my own happiness, but I can count on one hand the number of people I truly matter to. That would actually miss me if I were gone. And lately, that’s been something I can’t get off my mind. How do I make myself matter so that if something were to happen to those small number of people, I’m not left completely alone?

This is all likely just my anxiety talking, making me worry over things that truly don’t matter. But some part of me knows that they do matter. Someday I’ll find a reason that my body and mind put me through this. Until then, I just have to remember that I don’t have to entertain and focus on every thought I have. Especially the ones that are disordered, and not healthy.

Here’s hoping I’ll know more about where I stand with insurance and stuff soon. I’m almost to a breaking point and have no healthy, reasonable ways to cope right now.

A little bit of everything

So a friend of mine pointed out I hadn’t written anything for a couple of days. And I haven’t. I haven’t been in a good enough place mentally to do it. Yesterday (the 9th) was a hard day for me. And today while better, I’m still in a pretty dark place. But I know getting the thoughts and ideas out of my head will do more good than me stewing, thinking and staring at a blank screen or playing a mindless video game to waste the time away.

The last year or so, I’ve spent too much time just wasting the time I have. Wasting it by playing games, wasting by not being true to myself, wasting it to my fears and anxieties. I’ve bounced around a lot, not had a steady healthcare (mental or otherwise) provider in well over a year at this point. I know it’s something I need. My depression is getting worse. My anxieties are even more crippling than they were before. But I try to hide it. Not because I’m afraid of others seeing it. I hide it so that I don’t have to deal with it.

Avoidance has always been my coping tool of choice. How did I deal with my grief? I avoided it until I couldn’t any longer. How do I deal with my anger and being hurt? I avoid it or find something physical to do to dispel it. Whether it’s moving around things that I really shouldn’t be or just overdoing it by going on a really long walk, I do something. In the past, I used to cut myself to deal with that anger and hurt, as well as a lot of other emotions. I won’t let myself do that anymore, and haven’t actively cut in over a year at this point. But the urge is there. The shame is there too.

I’m trying to lose weight and accept my body for what it is. There are scars hiding in my stretch marks. Those same scars are hiding in places a lot of people will never see. But I have to come to grips with each one of those lines and be at peace with them. Each mark was because of something going on in my life, things I no longer remember. But they were big enough at the time for me to leave some lasting effects on my body. And I can’t do anything now to take them away. And if at some point in my future, someone sees one and asks. I’ll be honest. I can’t hide and run away from my past.

What does the above have to do with my depression and anxiety? A lot of my anxieties stem from my past. I had a rocky childhood, my teenage years were not my own, and I ran instead of dealing with things just as I entered adulthood. But they have shaped me into who I am. Despite all the things I’ve dealt with I still try to be kind, caring, considerate, and helpful. I don’t always succeed. But I know deep down I’m not my mental illness. That it can be controlled, and I can do more good that way than I can just floating along like I am now. So once I get more comfortable in my new job (in 2 or 3 weeks) I’m going to find a doctor to help with the physical issues I have. I’m going to find a therapist so I can get on the right path of getting my mental health sorted out. I don’t think my original diagnoses are all I have any longer. But at the time I received them I hid so much of what was going on.

No longer.

I need the help to become who I want to be.

Nerves

I sat here staring at a blank screen for too long once again. I’m a ball of nerves today, I have orientation for my new job. You’d think it wouldn’t be that big of a deal for someone in their 30’s who has held other jobs successfully, but each time I start somewhere new I feel like this.

I’m worried that I’m going to fail. I’m afraid I’m going to let all of the people who are counting on me down. That no matter what I do I’m going to screw up so badly, that I’ll never be able to go back. Now my rational mind knows that’s damn near impossible, that’s why there are weeks of training to start with. But sometimes you just can’t argue with your anxiety any longer either.

So I’m trying to calm my nerves and get myself under control and the tremors in my arm start again. Just one more thing to keep trying to ignore, just one more thing to hide while I’m working. Just one more thing to worry about. And on top of all of this, I get a reminder from an email address I had forgotten I’d forwarded- tomorrow would have been my dad’s 70th birthday.

Guess it’s a good thing I had set aside enough time to cry this morning.

~T

Drive

I had to drive up to my mom’s today, so I could be with her for a meeting tomorrow and take care of a few things for her. It’s not always good for my mental health to be around her, but I do try to appreciate the time I do get to spend with her as she ages. We’ve always had a rather rocky relationship, not helped by teenage angst, my dad dying when I was 19 and me taking over most of the things she should have been responsible for, and then me resenting that for the last 10+ years. So I know I can’t do everything, and I can’t even be here all the time for her. I feel guilty for that, but I have to live my own life too. I spent way too long letting her dictate what would happen that I have to struggle and fight to do it now.

The drive up here also put a few other things in perspective for me. Because it has been presented to me that I’m not as forthcoming with some of my friends when something is bothering or if there’s something going on. A lot of that is it’s a survival instinct for me. I wasn’t allowed to talk about how I felt or how I was coping with things growing up so I learned to hide it away to deal with it later. That is not a healthy way of dealing with things. So I have to adjust and remember that I can rely on those closest to me when I am lost in my own head. They’ve proven that I can time and time again, I just get set in my ways.

I also got to play a bunch of music I hadn’t listened to in forever. It was refreshing to listen to some of the music I did in high school. And I’ll even say I laughed in the car when three very specific songs that a friend of mine and I have a love/hate relationship with came on one right after the other. The irony of those 3 songs playing back to back right now is just amazing. It reminded me that I’m not as alone as I think I am at times.

So now I sit here in Iowa, taking care of things before leaving again on Tuesday. I know I’ll be back here again, probably sooner rather than later, but that’s ok. I have people I can count on that will support me, no matter my mood, no matter how much I waiver on decisions, and they actually care about me for who I am. And for right now, that’s enough.

~T

Self-Doubt

I stared at a blank page, for too long. Deciding what to write, if I should even write, am I doing anything productive with this besides getting out my thoughts? Doubt creeps in at the worst moments in our lives and feeds on the emotions to get past our defenses.

I doubt a lot of things right now. I doubt myself- my fragile friendships, potential relationships, working, cooking, doing what’s right by my mom, I honestly fully doubt I should even be existing at this point. I’m a walking contradiction. I do my best to show everyone kindness, compassion, that someone cares. Yet I can’t even give myself those three things, let alone deserve those things from someone else.

Every day I seem to battle the monsters of my mental illnesses. Every day I fear I lose a little more of myself to them. My depression and anxiety eat away at me. Destroying the things I love and people I care about in their wake. Those two things are slowly destroying my ability to care about others- and it frightens me. My compassion and empathy have always been strong points for me. Things that even the worst circumstances haven’t crumbled, yet something I can’t control does it without a look at the damage. The pieces that have to be picked up, aren’t ones that I want to pick up. In them, I just see me at my worst, a selfish coward who can’t be bothered to even smile at anyone.

The self-doubt has crept in and made itself at home in my head. I don’t know how to keep fighting it at this point, but I still have to try. If not for myself, then for others because I know I’m not in this or doing this alone.

All it takes is a spark to light a fire. One small, simple thing can create unimaginable change.

~T