Wanting to Walk Away

I had to go to Urgent Care last week, where their solution was to charge me $200, for a 2-minute consultation with a doctor telling me my symptoms were just a little bit of anxiety (which I was upfront about on the questionnaire anyways) and to take this pill. Oh and have a note for the next day for work as well. The pill is a damn sedative. I can’t function with it, so I can’t take it. The doctor also recommended I go to one of the local Mental Health clinics, that caters to those with “my kinds of problems” to get help. Except there’s actually a problem with that. They’re open during the hours I work. So because I’m still trying to work so I can at least look like a productive member of society I can’t get any kind of help. Because by the time my days off come around, it’s the end of the week and there’s generally not anything available.

On top of those fun issues, it feels like I’ve had a couple of cysts on my ovaries burst. There’s nothing they could do for it even if I were to have gone to a doctor but it’s still pretty painful to deal with on its own. That also doesn’t count in the light-sensitive migraine I’ve had for I don’t know how many days, but I’ve only said something about the last two. To be honest that’s the worst part of all of it. Because I’ve been getting more migraines it means I will ultimately have to change my birth control (aka the one medicine that I’m on that I willingly continue to get because I know my life without it is short and even more painful than it already is.) I’m not looking forward to any of it, but at the same time, something has to give at some point soon.

I want to be positive. I want to get back into baking, cooking, sewing, and coding and just not being a miserable pile of flesh… I’ve come up with recipes I want to try to perfect, I want to have that joy of just creating. But I can’t do that if I work my 40+ hours, take care of the basic things that need to be done and actually do my share of things around the house.

Hence, why sometimes when things get to be too much, I just want to walk away from everything. Leave my life, my friends, my family, my history and my problems, and just ignore it all. I know it’s not a smart choice, but on nights like tonight, it feels like the only one. But instead of doing that, I’ll go take some more medicine that doesn’t help a lot, try to sleep and get up and fight my way through the pain no matter what tomorrow. Because I have to suck it up and deal with it, regardless of how I actually feel.

Here’s hoping sleep comes quickly, and the pain fades just a little.

 

“Just because
you feel lost
doesn’t mean
that you are.
Sometimes you
just have to relax,
breathe deep,
and trust the path
you’re on.”
― Lalah Delia

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