Nothingness and Emptiness

After working, I’ve been lax in a lot of things. Mostly because the constant fatigue and pain I’m seemingly in keep me from focusing on doing things and keep me from actually doing them. But I keep trying. I’m slow to fix dinners, I’m slow to clean up messes which leads to frustration from my friend and roommate.

I’m even slower in taking care of myself.

I’m still waiting, most likely until April, for insurance to kick in so I can begin to get myself sorted out again. I’ve felt low, my hands shake more than they have in the last couple of years, and well I feel empty. I don’t get joy out of many things at this time. I love to cook, can’t bring myself to do it out of fear for cutting my fingers when my hands shake and because I don’t have the strength or will power to do it. I get some sleep, but it never seems like enough and then I add a little less to it so I can carve out time in the day or night to try to find myself.

But I’ll keep pressing on.  Brighter days have to be ahead, because after so long in the nothingness of my mind… I worry that I’m starting to lose sight of that. I have to find a way to change something in myself so that I don’t keep repeating this awful vicious cycle. I know doctors and medicine will help, I just have to make it long enough that I can see one to get moving forward again.

“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own souls. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”

-Carl Jung, Psychology and Alchemy