Holiday Blues

So this year, I’m not able to go see family or other friends (besides my roommate/friend) for Christmas. Part of me is actually really upset about it, because while I’m not big on the commercialism of the holidays, they tend to bring people together, and allow them all to spend time together.

Growing up, and kind of even now, I loved the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was a time where people thought of others first before themselves. It gave someone like me a chance to show my love and appreciation for people I was close to. My dad would always grumble about how early the tree was put up (if I had my way it was always Thanksgiving Day or before if I really pushed), my mom would be her normal, difficult self, but there were always plans of seeing family, friends and I was allowed to be social during that time. A lot of times outside of the holidays, I was kept from family and the friends I had growing up, I don’t really talk to anymore because all of our lives are in much different places. So to say I really enjoyed being able to see everyone was an understatement.

I’m a baker. In the past, I’d start baking around the 1st of December and made dozens of kinds of cookies, as well as candies, fudge, and anything else I saw a recipe for that looked interesting. I’d make up trays to send with people to work, or pass out around the apartment building I used to live at, just take plates of baked goods to show appreciation.

This year though, this year I’ve done none of that. I haven’t baked anything, haven’t made any candies, and I know there won’t be any special Christmasy dinner (that wasn’t always turkey or ham). And I’m not sure if I’m upset about it or just grateful. While I love doing all those things, it takes a toll on me physically. This year, my physical health isn’t that great…but my mental health is worse. And doing those things used to help. Would they help now? I’m probably too far gone for that, but that’s okay too.

Maybe it’s just a case of missing my friends and family this year. And being overwhelmed about not being able to get a job where I’m currently living, worrying about my mental and physical health, being unable to really do anything. I don’t know anymore. All I know is right now, things suck, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to come back from this.

I only hope things get better from here…