What do you do when the physical or mental pain you feel becomes too much to handle? Do you cry it out, yell, or scream? Or do you get nervously quiet, just silently watching and waiting?
I know I tend to get very quiet, and very sullen when my physical pain (that a lot of doctors just dismiss) gets high. I know the pain scale from 1-10 is ridiculous. My 5 could be someone else’s 8, or vice-versa. And no matter what, even if there’s no request for pain meds, the first thing they’re trying is the ibuprofen or acetaminophen that I’ve already been taking religiously for days trying to stamp the pain out.
My depression makes my pain worse at times. It’s a physical symptom for a mental problem. I had a therapist that made sure to remind me that the physical symptoms I have shouldn’t be ignored just because I’m trying to take care of things with her. I still needed to go to the doctor (and be ignored) and tell them what was going on and see if there were solutions to make it easier to deal with. Their solutions were all the things I had already been trying for years. So years later, I’m still in the same predicament, with even worse mental health than I had then.
Where does that leave me for now? In a lot of pain, that I can’t get under control. My friend/roommate doesn’t always see that I’m in pain when I get a random hug from them or when I have to go up and down the flight of stairs to take care of things in the basement. No one really sees the tears I cry at night, waiting for sleep to take over so I can ignore pain at least for a few minutes. No one also sees the tears I cry when I wake up, realizing my body is still not cooperating and I have no choice but get up and move. I’m hoping my new insurance will kick in soon, and that I’ll be able to do something…anything to get at least a little of this taken care of. To get my own quality of life to a better state than it is in now.
That little shred of hope is what I cling to tonight, as I sit at my computer crying silently from the pain.