So I’ve spent a lot of time lost in my own head/mind the last few days. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, I don’t know but it’s led me to overthink and stress about things I probably shouldn’t be worrying about right now. Things like my future. What will it hold? Will I ever finish my psychology degree? Will I find someone who truly loves and cares about me? Will I be able to have kids? Will my mental illnesses make it to where I see none of those things? Is there still hope?
That last one is actually the hardest one for me right now. I don’t have any hope. Anything positive to look forward to. Nothing of the sort. I have my boring existence, that matters to so few people. I know I can’t rely on others for my own happiness, but I can count on one hand the number of people I truly matter to. That would actually miss me if I were gone. And lately, that’s been something I can’t get off my mind. How do I make myself matter so that if something were to happen to those small number of people, I’m not left completely alone?
This is all likely just my anxiety talking, making me worry over things that truly don’t matter. But some part of me knows that they do matter. Someday I’ll find a reason that my body and mind put me through this. Until then, I just have to remember that I don’t have to entertain and focus on every thought I have. Especially the ones that are disordered, and not healthy.
Here’s hoping I’ll know more about where I stand with insurance and stuff soon. I’m almost to a breaking point and have no healthy, reasonable ways to cope right now.