So a friend of mine pointed out I hadn’t written anything for a couple of days. And I haven’t. I haven’t been in a good enough place mentally to do it. Yesterday (the 9th) was a hard day for me. And today while better, I’m still in a pretty dark place. But I know getting the thoughts and ideas out of my head will do more good than me stewing, thinking and staring at a blank screen or playing a mindless video game to waste the time away.
The last year or so, I’ve spent too much time just wasting the time I have. Wasting it by playing games, wasting by not being true to myself, wasting it to my fears and anxieties. I’ve bounced around a lot, not had a steady healthcare (mental or otherwise) provider in well over a year at this point. I know it’s something I need. My depression is getting worse. My anxieties are even more crippling than they were before. But I try to hide it. Not because I’m afraid of others seeing it. I hide it so that I don’t have to deal with it.
Avoidance has always been my coping tool of choice. How did I deal with my grief? I avoided it until I couldn’t any longer. How do I deal with my anger and being hurt? I avoid it or find something physical to do to dispel it. Whether it’s moving around things that I really shouldn’t be or just overdoing it by going on a really long walk, I do something. In the past, I used to cut myself to deal with that anger and hurt, as well as a lot of other emotions. I won’t let myself do that anymore, and haven’t actively cut in over a year at this point. But the urge is there. The shame is there too.
I’m trying to lose weight and accept my body for what it is. There are scars hiding in my stretch marks. Those same scars are hiding in places a lot of people will never see. But I have to come to grips with each one of those lines and be at peace with them. Each mark was because of something going on in my life, things I no longer remember. But they were big enough at the time for me to leave some lasting effects on my body. And I can’t do anything now to take them away. And if at some point in my future, someone sees one and asks. I’ll be honest. I can’t hide and run away from my past.
What does the above have to do with my depression and anxiety? A lot of my anxieties stem from my past. I had a rocky childhood, my teenage years were not my own, and I ran instead of dealing with things just as I entered adulthood. But they have shaped me into who I am. Despite all the things I’ve dealt with I still try to be kind, caring, considerate, and helpful. I don’t always succeed. But I know deep down I’m not my mental illness. That it can be controlled, and I can do more good that way than I can just floating along like I am now. So once I get more comfortable in my new job (in 2 or 3 weeks) I’m going to find a doctor to help with the physical issues I have. I’m going to find a therapist so I can get on the right path of getting my mental health sorted out. I don’t think my original diagnoses are all I have any longer. But at the time I received them I hid so much of what was going on.
I need the help to become who I want to be.