I sat here staring at a blank screen for too long once again. I’m a ball of nerves today, I have orientation for my new job. You’d think it wouldn’t be that big of a deal for someone in their 30’s who has held other jobs successfully, but each time I start somewhere new I feel like this.

I’m worried that I’m going to fail. I’m afraid I’m going to let all of the people who are counting on me down. That no matter what I do I’m going to screw up so badly, that I’ll never be able to go back. Now my rational mind knows that’s damn near impossible, that’s why there are weeks of training to start with. But sometimes you just can’t argue with your anxiety any longer either.

So I’m trying to calm my nerves and get myself under control and the tremors in my arm start again. Just one more thing to keep trying to ignore, just one more thing to hide while I’m working. Just one more thing to worry about. And on top of all of this, I get a reminder from an email address I had forgotten I’d forwarded- tomorrow would have been my dad’s 70th birthday.

Guess it’s a good thing I had set aside enough time to cry this morning.