I stared at a blank page, for too long. Deciding what to write, if I should even write, am I doing anything productive with this besides getting out my thoughts? Doubt creeps in at the worst moments in our lives and feeds on the emotions to get past our defenses.
I doubt a lot of things right now. I doubt myself- my fragile friendships, potential relationships, working, cooking, doing what’s right by my mom, I honestly fully doubt I should even be existing at this point. I’m a walking contradiction. I do my best to show everyone kindness, compassion, that someone cares. Yet I can’t even give myself those three things, let alone deserve those things from someone else.
Every day I seem to battle the monsters of my mental illnesses. Every day I fear I lose a little more of myself to them. My depression and anxiety eat away at me. Destroying the things I love and people I care about in their wake. Those two things are slowly destroying my ability to care about others- and it frightens me. My compassion and empathy have always been strong points for me. Things that even the worst circumstances haven’t crumbled, yet something I can’t control does it without a look at the damage. The pieces that have to be picked up, aren’t ones that I want to pick up. In them, I just see me at my worst, a selfish coward who can’t be bothered to even smile at anyone.
The self-doubt has crept in and made itself at home in my head. I don’t know how to keep fighting it at this point, but I still have to try. If not for myself, then for others because I know I’m not in this or doing this alone.
All it takes is a spark to light a fire. One small, simple thing can create unimaginable change.