Being Selfish

Is it always wrong to be selfish? The more giving that someone is of themselves the less likely they are to feel it’s ok to be selfish in some aspects. I know I fall squarely into this mindset. I don’t believe that I should have any of the good things I do in my life because I didn’t do enough to earn them. It’s that way with relationships for me too.

I firmly believe that no one person is going to 100% fulfill all of your needs, wants and desires. It’s just statistically impossible for me. At that same time, how much do we compromise for the people we love? Do you compromise who you are deep down, or do you compromise the feelings you have for someone? Do I sacrifice who I am deep down, and sacrifice my love for another? Or do I let it all play out by putting all of the pieces on the board and see where things go? Which could lead to everything ending and I then miss out all the way around. There are so many possibilities and variables that I don’t even want to or have the capacity to think of them all.

In the end, I end up losing. I lost someone I cared deeply about. Because I was honest about my feelings for the first time in a while. I can’t take back the loss of trust caused, but at the same time, I have to be true to myself. I’ll get back up after this knockdown, a little more bruised, but with some more perspective on things. Hopefully, there is someone out there who can love me-not just the idea in their head of me, but the person I am- the kindhearted, caring, loving person that has some pretty damn big flaws.

But until then, I just keep fighting for the good things and doing my best to be kind in spite of it all.

~T