Why am I doing things with a day count in them? It’s to help hold myself accountable. I want to see a streak of numbers that don’t have too many gaps or spaces. The purpose of my blog is it’s a place for me to work through my thoughts and feelings and document what I’m feeling, doing or seeing. If I help others along the way, that’s even better but it is not what I’m out for. It’s not my greater reason for this. I just want to be able to not gaslight myself or let others gaslight me about the things I am trying to experience for myself.
I have a hard time staying accountable to myself. I want to lose weight- but can’t keep track of calories or other things more than a few days before I give up. I like to keep a physical journal and calendar- I write important dates down but forget to write the small things down I’d like to remember. I want to be able to celebrate some of the smaller milestones I’ve ignored in the past.
Like today for instance- I’ve eaten like garbage, had more caffeine than I’ve had in weeks and just kind of lazed around. But I can also see the things I have done today- I helped a friend with a few things and am able to return home tomorrow with a bit more confidence that they aren’t going to get too bad too quickly again. I also found a little more resolve for just taking one of the jobs I’ve applied for instead of waiting things out for something better. I can always look for better- but I need something to pay the bills now. I have also tried to promise myself that I would try to stop eating like garbage once I get back home and not fall back into it if I have to come back to Illinois. I also have decided I need to force myself into some better sleep habits. I can’t always stay up half the night and be awake at too early o’clock in the morning. Lots of changes I want to make, the hard part is sticking to them.
So I hope to continue the day # format for a while- but if I quit, I know it’s not the end of the world either. As long as I get my thoughts and memories down- that’s the more important thing.