It’s Been A Few Days…

So it’s been about 2 weeks since I’ve actually sat down to write or really reflect on a lot of things. I’m struggling mentally and physically. Mentally my depression and anxiety are at the worst they’ve been in quite a long time, and it doesn’t help that any work I keep trying to get either falls through or just isn’t worth the expense of me doing it. Physically, I’m a wreck. I’m in pain all of the time, I’m fatigued and I have joint pain when there’s no reason for me to.

All of it boils down to, yeah I’m alive but it’s a struggle to continue. I continue to try to find positives, sometimes I do other times I find something I think might be positive for others to just shoot it down. But I try and that’s what counts. So for the next few days, I’m going to keep trying to find the positives and keep moving forward. And hopefully, it’ll be enough for me to begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

On the edge

I feel like I’m about to go back into another mental crisis. I get this way any time I spend any length of time around my mom, and it’s going to be a little longer still before I leave. My anxiety ramps up, she makes me worried about things that I have no business being worried about. My depression rears it’s head, making me more withdrawn, more down and just not wanting to do anything that I should or need to be doing.

Then on top of this, she makes lists of things I’m supposed to do for her. And not basic everyday things, because I’m already doing those, but things like getting every piece of bedding in the entire place washed, clean cupboards out and find somewhere to get rid of things at, make extra food to freeze for when I do finally get to leave- with the promise of if I don’t then she just doesn’t know if or what she’ll actually eat then. This is why I hate the guilt I feel, and the resentment I feel towards her. These are perfectly normal things for an elderly parent to ask of their child…. except for the fact that she’s not that elderly, or that sickly at this point… and it’s just she wants me to go back to taking care of her and everything else for her like I have so many other times.

My mental health will not let me do that. I am finally at a point in my life where I have to put myself and my well-being first. And I’m trying. She just doesn’t help or let me do the things I should be doing as a damn 30something-year-old adult. If I’m in town, she gets upset and hurt if I go spend time with the couple of friends I have around still, or if I go do something by myself that has no benefit for her.

I know me ranting all of this makes me sound like a selfish, petulant child, but it’s not my job to take care of her like this. Yes, she’s my mother. But she abused me mentally, verbally, and physically growing up. She still tries to get into my head and is verbally abusive still, even though I have taken steps to protect myself. I just have to wait this out, then I can go back to just messaging and occasional phone calls with trips here every once in a while instead of so often. I need that peace and serenity back in my life.

At least the next couple of days I get to do some Christmas decorating for the building she lives in. That’s something I like to do and can tune others out while I do it.

Thanksgiving

As I sit here with my mom, a turkey cooking in the oven, and all the sides ready to go in the oven soon, I’m left to reflect. Reflect on the last few years, reflect on times spent with family and friends and left to reflect on how my attitude and issues have weighed on myself and others. Yes, despite the almost constant state of depression and anxiety I’ve been in recently, there are still things to be thankful for.

I’m thankful for my friends. The very few of them that I do have and can count on. They bring me happiness, keep me grounded and let me know that it’s okay to be down, as long as we pick ourselves back up. There have been some ups and downs with all of them this last year, most significantly my best friend. I’m thankful for his patience, his kindness, and that we’ve both come out of a pretty dark place with a better understanding of each other and our friendship than we’ve had in a while.

My family, while mostly small and not people I put myself around frequently, I know there are some of them I can count on. When my mom got sick a couple of months ago, there were a few who reached out and few who helped. I’m grateful that they could when I could not get away to help.

There are so many other small things that I’m thankful for- rainy days, snow, the comfort of being in a warm house, not starving and mostly the ability to get my health- both mental and physical, back to some semblance of normal. I may never be what I once was, but I can get healthy, take care of the issues I have, and nurture the strength I have inside.

I hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving and start to the holiday season.

Down but not quite out

So today was one of those days. A day where I’ve wanted nothing more than to talk to others, and just be around people…but didn’t have the mental strength to do it. I went to reach out to a couple of different friends, but one was busy and the other was dealing with their own issues. I mean I did get out to get something from the gas station, but it’s not the same as having someone to go back and forth with even for just a few minutes. But I essentially have suffered in silence for the last few days.

Tomorrow I’m supposed to head to Iowa, to my moms. At this point, I don’t care if I go or not. I’m just that down today. Today I feel like I deserve to be completely alone for the foreseeable future. Because I’m not worth it to talk to and am just generally unfit to be around others right now. And I’ve accepted that for now. Tomorrow it could be different but for right now, I only feel disinterest.

This time of year, you’re supposed to reflect on things you’re thankful for. I’m thankful I’m still alive, and that I have my friends and the little bit of family I do have. But otherwise, I don’t have much else. On the other end of things, I’m working on a short story and it might get posted here, it really depends on how writing it goes.

So it’ll be a few days before I post again, and maybe I’ll be in better spirits then. I hope those who are in the U.S. have a  Happy Thanksgiving, and everyone else has a good rest of the week.

Productivity

So I wasn’t as productive as I’d have liked today. But I started early and ended early. I got half of one large room painted, going to do the other half tomorrow and maybe start on the hallway. It really depends on when I get up, and how much pain I’m in again.

When my anxiety and depression flare up so does my pain. It’s why I wasn’t as productive. Sadly there’s not a whole lot that helps this kind of pain, that I have access to right now. Instead, I just do things in bursts and take a lot of breaks to let the flare-ups go down. Doctors haven’t believed me in the past that I’ve had issues like this, and I’m hesitant to bring it up to any new doctors because well they tend not to believe me.

It’s also the second full day I’ve been by myself. I can stay it’s starting to get to me, but I’ll be okay. I’ve got things to do and have a plan to leave to go to Iowa early in the week instead of waiting until closer to Thanksgiving.

I have to keep my head up and keep soldiering on.

Lack of Sleep

I haven’t had a lot of sleep the last couple of days. Not that it’s anything unusual. I do my best to try and get at least 5-6 hours but it’s often broken and leaves me tired and fatigued more than what my other health issues already do. 

Which brings me to my second issue. I’ve talked to my mom last night and today some. She’s trying to guilt me into going earlier there, regardless of what I want or need to do around here. On top of that, I’m supposed to care and actively ask about her problems and issues. I just get told to suck up my anxiety and problems and deal with whatever the issue is. Which is something I try to do. But my anxiety is getting more invasive and overwhelming. My depression is the same. I can do things to hold it at bay, but after a while, things start getting worse.

Yes, there’s a medication I’m supposed to be on for it. I hate how it makes me feel, or better yet the lack of things I feel. I feel nothing when I take it consistently. I feel no happiness, no sadness, no anger, no frustration, no good no bad. I just exist, and at its core, that seems like a fantastic thing. However, that’s what has led me to cut in the past. I have made great strides in not cutting, and haven’t in over a year. But there are times I have that urge still. 

Anyways, today was not as productive as I would have liked. But at least I’ve ate, napped a little and done a little organizing. Considering the way I’m feeling all the way around today, I still count it as a mostly successful day. Tomorrow I’m hoping to paint some walls and hopefully will get some better sleep tonight. 

Fresh Snow

So tonight and into tomorrow, there’s supposed to be snow here. I love the snow. I love the silence it brings in the middle of the night, when all you hear are the wet heavy flakes thudding into what has already fallen. I also love the cleanliness. Everything is covered in an untouched layer of snow. The world looks less harsh and less dead. There’s peace.

Peace is something I know my mind could use more of. Peace in what I’m doing. Having the peace of mind that I’m making the right decisions, and doing the right things. That friends wouldn’t automatically assume that I can’t handle myself when I’m pressed to be alone.

While being alone isn’t something I want all of the time. I can handle it in the times I need to be. Am I scared, yes a little. But I have projects I can work on to fill that time. There’s some games I can play as well. I can also take that time and focus on myself. Because ultimately, I have to be able to take care of myself even if I want to be around others. No one else can do that for me. 

Since work hasn’t panned out like I’d hoped, I’m going to try for some other options for working and see about getting that help for myself sooner, rather than later. I owe it to myself to try and become more functional.

Being kind to myself didn’t hurt me. It’s let me see that I do deserve happiness, and normal things. I just have to work a little harder for them. And that’s ok. 

I Let My Anxiety Win

Today my anxiety won. I’ve already had to quit my job, I was so overwhelmed and anxious just going that my best friend and roommate offered to drive me/pick me up. After getting there, and being shown the 6 ways to get into the building and the 3 ways to get to the training room (because that’s something to push on people’s first day). Then being told we had 2 days to learn various banking regulations, and that we’d likely be training others in less than 3 weeks. I took one of the “tests” on one of the regulations 4 times.  I failed all the way around today. I feel horrible. I’ve wasted a lot of people’s time and money just to go for one day and discover I can’t do this.

The worst part is there was a time that something like this was right up my alley. I could have learned these regulations no problem and not had a second thought about it. But then things got a lot worse, my anxiety got worse- my separation and divorce didn’t help that process either. There hasn’t been a lot that has helped. But I know I can’t keep doing this or letting it happen.

I’ve already started applying for other jobs that I think would be a better fit, or at least I hope they are. Tomorrow’s a new day though. It’s a new start. A new chance to not let my anxiety win for the second day in a row.

Tonight I’m trying to show myself a little of the kindness I try to show others.

 

Facing my Unknown Future

So I’ve spent a lot of time lost in my own head/mind the last few days. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, I don’t know but it’s led me to overthink and stress about things I probably shouldn’t be worrying about right now. Things like my future. What will it hold? Will I ever finish my psychology degree? Will I find someone who truly loves and cares about me? Will I be able to have kids? Will my mental illnesses make it to where I see none of those things? Is there still hope?

That last one is actually the hardest one for me right now. I don’t have any hope. Anything positive to look forward to. Nothing of the sort. I have my boring existence, that matters to so few people. I know I can’t rely on others for my own happiness, but I can count on one hand the number of people I truly matter to. That would actually miss me if I were gone. And lately, that’s been something I can’t get off my mind. How do I make myself matter so that if something were to happen to those small number of people, I’m not left completely alone?

This is all likely just my anxiety talking, making me worry over things that truly don’t matter. But some part of me knows that they do matter. Someday I’ll find a reason that my body and mind put me through this. Until then, I just have to remember that I don’t have to entertain and focus on every thought I have. Especially the ones that are disordered, and not healthy.

Here’s hoping I’ll know more about where I stand with insurance and stuff soon. I’m almost to a breaking point and have no healthy, reasonable ways to cope right now.

A little bit of everything

So a friend of mine pointed out I hadn’t written anything for a couple of days. And I haven’t. I haven’t been in a good enough place mentally to do it. Yesterday (the 9th) was a hard day for me. And today while better, I’m still in a pretty dark place. But I know getting the thoughts and ideas out of my head will do more good than me stewing, thinking and staring at a blank screen or playing a mindless video game to waste the time away.

The last year or so, I’ve spent too much time just wasting the time I have. Wasting it by playing games, wasting by not being true to myself, wasting it to my fears and anxieties. I’ve bounced around a lot, not had a steady healthcare (mental or otherwise) provider in well over a year at this point. I know it’s something I need. My depression is getting worse. My anxieties are even more crippling than they were before. But I try to hide it. Not because I’m afraid of others seeing it. I hide it so that I don’t have to deal with it.

Avoidance has always been my coping tool of choice. How did I deal with my grief? I avoided it until I couldn’t any longer. How do I deal with my anger and being hurt? I avoid it or find something physical to do to dispel it. Whether it’s moving around things that I really shouldn’t be or just overdoing it by going on a really long walk, I do something. In the past, I used to cut myself to deal with that anger and hurt, as well as a lot of other emotions. I won’t let myself do that anymore, and haven’t actively cut in over a year at this point. But the urge is there. The shame is there too.

I’m trying to lose weight and accept my body for what it is. There are scars hiding in my stretch marks. Those same scars are hiding in places a lot of people will never see. But I have to come to grips with each one of those lines and be at peace with them. Each mark was because of something going on in my life, things I no longer remember. But they were big enough at the time for me to leave some lasting effects on my body. And I can’t do anything now to take them away. And if at some point in my future, someone sees one and asks. I’ll be honest. I can’t hide and run away from my past.

What does the above have to do with my depression and anxiety? A lot of my anxieties stem from my past. I had a rocky childhood, my teenage years were not my own, and I ran instead of dealing with things just as I entered adulthood. But they have shaped me into who I am. Despite all the things I’ve dealt with I still try to be kind, caring, considerate, and helpful. I don’t always succeed. But I know deep down I’m not my mental illness. That it can be controlled, and I can do more good that way than I can just floating along like I am now. So once I get more comfortable in my new job (in 2 or 3 weeks) I’m going to find a doctor to help with the physical issues I have. I’m going to find a therapist so I can get on the right path of getting my mental health sorted out. I don’t think my original diagnoses are all I have any longer. But at the time I received them I hid so much of what was going on.

No longer.

I need the help to become who I want to be.